The Daily Joke Thread

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’

‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

:beer:

The disgruntled owner put his parrot in the freezer for swearing constantly. Opened the freezer 1/2 hour later. Parrot said he’d never swear again.
BUT he had 1 question, “What the #*&% did the chicken do?”

Hahahaha
Cranked me up!

OK OK let me give another try at being funny:
When you have lost something, you always find it at the last place you are looking for it. My tip to you, start looking there :wink:

You know why the riot police are always early to work?

They just love to beat the crowds….

Make people glad with your humor!!

Two peanuts walking through Central Park.

One was a salted.

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

“Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I’m afraid you’re just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK.”

And I thought to myself, doesn’t ” OK ” look like a sideways person?

Me: “I’ll have a regular latte, please.”

Employee: “And what’s the name?”

Me: “Generic name.”

(She writes it and makes my drink. When I get my coffee, she had spelled it, “Jenny-Eric”)

Turns out that the fellow who invented autocorrect passed away today.

May he restaurant in peace….

Did I tell you that I got asked out by like eight women the other day….

That is the last time I go into a public restroom without looking at the door….

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
Because it ran out of juice.

Late Halloween joke.

How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern?

You get a “pumpkin patch”!

A friend works in an Indian restaurant and he had a serious accident yesterday. He fell into a deep korma.

What do you call a smelly but cute animal ?

Odorable.

Mummy, Mummy, Tommy broke my doll.
Mother: How did he do that ?
I hit him over his head & it broke.

If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.

Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it’s sad that law allows only one wife.

God said to Adam, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news… I’ve only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!”

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs!

Then God told Adam not to eat of the apple. Then God gave Adam Eve… We all know what happened from then on…