The Daily Joke Thread

Turns out that the fellow who invented autocorrect passed away today.

May he restaurant in peace….

Did I tell you that I got asked out by like eight women the other day….

That is the last time I go into a public restroom without looking at the door….

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
Because it ran out of juice.

Late Halloween joke.

How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern?

You get a “pumpkin patch”!

A friend works in an Indian restaurant and he had a serious accident yesterday. He fell into a deep korma.

What do you call a smelly but cute animal ?

Odorable.

Mummy, Mummy, Tommy broke my doll.
Mother: How did he do that ?
I hit him over his head & it broke.

If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.

Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it’s sad that law allows only one wife.

God said to Adam, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news… I’ve only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!”

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs!

Then God told Adam not to eat of the apple. Then God gave Adam Eve… We all know what happened from then on…

You know what the penalty is for bigamy in my home State?

2 mother in-laws.

This is a true story:

I walked into a Starbucks, and when asked what I wanted I said,

“I can’t decide if I should get a lotta lattes or a couple o’ cappuccinos”

The barista, with out even a flinch looked me straight in the eye and said,

“Why don’t you try a Chai”

A Mosquito landed on my wife’s face…

Easiest decision of my life.

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide…

Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who’s gonna bring it back?

The Japanese flag is actually just a pie chart about how many of them are scared of Godzilla.

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom.

This morning we synthesised a new protein chain.

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why does it have to be a group activity?

I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

The word “nothing” is a palindrome. “Nothing” reversed is “Gnihton”.

Which also means nothing.

When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman’s body.

Then I was born.

What’s heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

An Irish guy walks out of a bar…

It could happen.

I’d tell you a great time travel joke…

but you didn’t like it.

10 out of 10 jtc. I like em. :+1:

Police: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it!

I was assaulted by a group of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

Good stuff man. You remind me of Rodney Dangerfield. Respect!

Do you know why there are so many female archaeologists?
==> They love diggin’ up the past.