Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
Because it ran out of juice.
Late Halloween joke.
How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern?
You get a “pumpkin patch”!
A friend works in an Indian restaurant and he had a serious accident yesterday. He fell into a deep korma.
What do you call a smelly but cute animal ?
Odorable.
Mummy, Mummy, Tommy broke my doll.
Mother: How did he do that ?
I hit him over his head & it broke.
If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.
Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it’s sad that law allows only one wife.
God said to Adam, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news… I’ve only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!”
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs!
Then God told Adam not to eat of the apple. Then God gave Adam Eve… We all know what happened from then on…
You know what the penalty is for bigamy in my home State?
2 mother in-laws.
This is a true story:
I walked into a Starbucks, and when asked what I wanted I said,
“I can’t decide if I should get a lotta lattes or a couple o’ cappuccinos”
The barista, with out even a flinch looked me straight in the eye and said,
“Why don’t you try a Chai”
A Mosquito landed on my wife’s face…
Easiest decision of my life.
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide…
Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who’s gonna bring it back?
The Japanese flag is actually just a pie chart about how many of them are scared of Godzilla.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter F.
My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom.
This morning we synthesised a new protein chain.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity?
I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
The word “nothing” is a palindrome. “Nothing” reversed is “Gnihton”.
Which also means nothing.
When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Then I was born.
What’s heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
An Irish guy walks out of a bar…
It could happen.
I’d tell you a great time travel joke…
but you didn’t like it.
10 out of 10 jtc. I like em. :+1:
Police: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it!
I was assaulted by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Good stuff man. You remind me of Rodney Dangerfield. Respect!
Do you know why there are so many female archaeologists?
==> They love diggin’ up the past.
1. What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
2. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
3. I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.
4. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
5. What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? A reprimand from the Scientific Integrity and Professional Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.
6. Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation.
7. A German asks for a martini. “Dry?” says the bartender. “Nein, just one.”
8. Two women walk into a bar and discuss the Bechdel test.
9. Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings. Pavlov gasps, “Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs”.
10. How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
11. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."