The Daily Joke Thread

Good stuff man. You remind me of Rodney Dangerfield. Respect!

Do you know why there are so many female archaeologists?
==> They love diggin’ up the past.

1. What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

2. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

3. I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

4. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.

5. What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? A reprimand from the Scientific Integrity and Professional Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

6. Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation.

7. A German asks for a martini. “Dry?” says the bartender. “Nein, just one.”

8. Two women walk into a bar and discuss the Bechdel test.

9. Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings. Pavlov gasps, “Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs”.

10. How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

11. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

My late grandad used to only tell people what they wanted to hear.

Awesome man, terrible doctor.

My wife asked me to get something that would make her sexy.
So I got drunk.

Kid with Parkinson’s walks up to an ice cream van….

“can I have an ice cream please mister”

“course you can son, what flavour would you like?”

“doesn’t really matter coz I’m gonna drop it anyways”

What?

WHAT??

OMG I laughed so hard

DIET DAY 1.

I have removed all the bad food from my home.

It was delicious.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket?

Nice try, basket industry.

My ex-girlfriend sent me a text message two days after we broke up saying I can delete her number.
I replied: “Who’s this?”

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face.

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the
cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

Speaking of my ex-girlfriend, last week she opened the car door for me.
We were going 50 mph.

My 9 yr old son has been telling these…

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

How did the chewing gum get across the road?

On the chickens foot.

He was telling them at his grandfather’s funeral, believe it or not, and he was a great success. Go figure. Kid makes people laugh at a funeral and he’s a genius. I make people laugh at a funeral and I’m in a box.

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog,” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

“That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” said the owner, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

+1

On the chest of a barmaid at Yale…
Were tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.