The Daily Joke Thread

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

My late grandad used to only tell people what they wanted to hear.

Awesome man, terrible doctor.

My wife asked me to get something that would make her sexy.
So I got drunk.

Kid with Parkinson’s walks up to an ice cream van….

“can I have an ice cream please mister”

“course you can son, what flavour would you like?”

“doesn’t really matter coz I’m gonna drop it anyways”

What?

WHAT??

OMG I laughed so hard

DIET DAY 1.

I have removed all the bad food from my home.

It was delicious.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket?

Nice try, basket industry.

My ex-girlfriend sent me a text message two days after we broke up saying I can delete her number.
I replied: “Who’s this?”

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face.

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the
cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

Speaking of my ex-girlfriend, last week she opened the car door for me.
We were going 50 mph.

My 9 yr old son has been telling these…

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

How did the chewing gum get across the road?

On the chickens foot.

He was telling them at his grandfather’s funeral, believe it or not, and he was a great success. Go figure. Kid makes people laugh at a funeral and he’s a genius. I make people laugh at a funeral and I’m in a box.

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog,” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

“That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” said the owner, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

+1

On the chest of a barmaid at Yale…
Were tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

A man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here!”

The man says, “But this is a Seeing Eye dog!”

“Well, OK, then I guess it can stay.”

After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they’re going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says, “The bartender won’t like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it’s a Seeing Eye dog and then it’ll be OK.” The second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a fews seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in.

The bartender says, “Hey! You can’t bring that Chihuahua in here!”

Man stares straight ahead and exclaims, “What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!”

+1, It aggravated my sore throat…

I say nominate the Lab for politics, he’d fit right in and make big money in the process…

Ok stop me if you’ve heard this one!!

Paddy (the Irishman) and his heavily pregnant wife, she’s having twins, are in a serious car accident and are both in a coma, during the coma, Missus Paddy has the babies, a boy and a girl.

3 months pass, and Missus Paddy comes out of the coma, and immediately wants to know about her babies:

“they’re fine Missus Paddy, you had a boy and a girl, both doing great”

“where are they?, I’d like to see them”

They’re alseep, I’ll bring them in when they wake up”

“So I had a boy and a girl eh….I’ll have to name them”

“oh that’s been taken care of, you’re brother named them”

“My brother, oh he’s thicker than the thickest thicko ever………ah well, so what did he name the wee girl?”

“Denise”

“oh ok, what did he name the boy?”

“De nephew”