The Daily Joke Thread

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog,” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

“That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” said the owner, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

+1

On the chest of a barmaid at Yale…
Were tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

A man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here!”

The man says, “But this is a Seeing Eye dog!”

“Well, OK, then I guess it can stay.”

After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they’re going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says, “The bartender won’t like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it’s a Seeing Eye dog and then it’ll be OK.” The second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a fews seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in.

The bartender says, “Hey! You can’t bring that Chihuahua in here!”

Man stares straight ahead and exclaims, “What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!”

+1, It aggravated my sore throat…

I say nominate the Lab for politics, he’d fit right in and make big money in the process…

Ok stop me if you’ve heard this one!!

Paddy (the Irishman) and his heavily pregnant wife, she’s having twins, are in a serious car accident and are both in a coma, during the coma, Missus Paddy has the babies, a boy and a girl.

3 months pass, and Missus Paddy comes out of the coma, and immediately wants to know about her babies:

“they’re fine Missus Paddy, you had a boy and a girl, both doing great”

“where are they?, I’d like to see them”

They’re alseep, I’ll bring them in when they wake up”

“So I had a boy and a girl eh….I’ll have to name them”

“oh that’s been taken care of, you’re brother named them”

“My brother, oh he’s thicker than the thickest thicko ever………ah well, so what did he name the wee girl?”

“Denise”

“oh ok, what did he name the boy?”

“De nephew”

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

Learn sign language, it’s very handy.

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

With great power, comes great electricity bills.

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

(I’m the parts manager for a body shop that specializes in high-end cars. My shop is contracted to do all the warranty work for several dealerships in the area. I have just returned to work after taking sick leave and am still getting my head back in the game.)

Me: “I know that you can get custom nameplates for your vehicles, but since when does Land Rover provide them?”

Estimator: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I just got our shipment and these came in for that Discovery you’re dealing with, the one with the new hatchback.”

Estimator: “And?”

Me: holding up two packages, each with a pre-arranged series of letters ready to put on the vehicle “I’ve never seen anyone so proud of their hobbies. I mean, who would put “VERY DISCO” on their car?”

(My coworker reaches over and swaps the packages around so I can see that they combine to spell “DISCOVERY.”)

Me: “…I’ve been sick.”

Source

Good Parenting

If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don’t teach him to subtract—teach him to deduct.

Penniless

I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying.

“Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.”

When i decide to see a football match my parent say me
which matter you gain for watching that.

Latest LED Driver Circuit Diagram

(Includes Buck, Boost, SEPIC and Cuk in one tight, efficient package. Works with all battery chemistries and types. AC/DC and other current types all supported. Stays crunchy, even in milk!)

Woman sticks her head into a barber shop and yells “Bob Cox here?” The barber replies “Well no ma’am just cut hair and shave.”

A blind man walks into a bar (not knowing it was a women’s gay bar) and orders a drink. When his drink arrives he ask the bartender if she would like to hear a dumb blonde joke. She says “O sure tell it! But before you do you need to know I’m a blonde and ain’t afraid to fight a man. The woman on your right is a blonde and a world class kick boxer. The woman on your left is also a blond and teaches martial arts and we all hate dumb blonde jokes.” The blind man pays for his drink and starts toward the door. Bartenders yells “What’s the matter scared? Forget the joke?” Blind man says “No just didn’t feel like telling it three f$&!ing times.”

He he that’s like a city of frogs i got crazy when you turn on the board the frogs does wince!

After my wife died, I haven’t been able to look at other women for 10 years…

But now that I’m out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.

Now I’m starting to get really annoyed …

This is the 6th ATM I’ve been to, that’s had “insufficient funds”.