Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog,” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
“That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” said the owner, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
A man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here!”
The man says, “But this is a Seeing Eye dog!”
“Well, OK, then I guess it can stay.”
After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they’re going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says, “The bartender won’t like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it’s a Seeing Eye dog and then it’ll be OK.” The second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a fews seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in.
The bartender says, “Hey! You can’t bring that Chihuahua in here!”
Man stares straight ahead and exclaims, “What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!”
Paddy (the Irishman) and his heavily pregnant wife, she’s having twins, are in a serious car accident and are both in a coma, during the coma, Missus Paddy has the babies, a boy and a girl.
3 months pass, and Missus Paddy comes out of the coma, and immediately wants to know about her babies:
“they’re fine Missus Paddy, you had a boy and a girl, both doing great”
“where are they?, I’d like to see them”
They’re alseep, I’ll bring them in when they wake up”
“So I had a boy and a girl eh….I’ll have to name them”
“oh that’s been taken care of, you’re brother named them”
“My brother, oh he’s thicker than the thickest thicko ever………ah well, so what did he name the wee girl?”
(I’m the parts manager for a body shop that specializes in high-end cars. My shop is contracted to do all the warranty work for several dealerships in the area. I have just returned to work after taking sick leave and am still getting my head back in the game.)
Me: “I know that you can get custom nameplates for your vehicles, but since when does Land Rover provide them?”
Estimator: “What do you mean?”
Me: “I just got our shipment and these came in for that Discovery you’re dealing with, the one with the new hatchback.”
Estimator: “And?”
Me: holding up two packages, each with a pre-arranged series of letters ready to put on the vehicle “I’ve never seen anyone so proud of their hobbies. I mean, who would put “VERY DISCO” on their car?”
(My coworker reaches over and swaps the packages around so I can see that they combine to spell “DISCOVERY.”)
I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.
It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.
(Includes Buck, Boost, SEPIC and Cuk in one tight, efficient package. Works with all battery chemistries and types. AC/DC and other current types all supported. Stays crunchy, even in milk!)
A blind man walks into a bar (not knowing it was a women’s gay bar) and orders a drink. When his drink arrives he ask the bartender if she would like to hear a dumb blonde joke. She says “O sure tell it! But before you do you need to know I’m a blonde and ain’t afraid to fight a man. The woman on your right is a blonde and a world class kick boxer. The woman on your left is also a blond and teaches martial arts and we all hate dumb blonde jokes.” The blind man pays for his drink and starts toward the door. Bartenders yells “What’s the matter scared? Forget the joke?” Blind man says “No just didn’t feel like telling it three f$&!ing times.”