What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson’s breasts?
A: Silicon Valley.
Congratulations on 10K!
Original Fiction.
This is a chapter from a larger work in progress? This small chapter, is titled…
“The pig roast”
NOTE: unlike published fiction? If you are not an EDITOR, most people rarely get to see fiction “in the raw” before it has been edited and prepared for print. This is real, raw fiction…
I can type fast enough, that my fingers “automatically” can keep up, without thinking about it, with my stream-of-consciousness as i am writing. Later on, after many chapters are done? Only then do i allow myself to go back, and “edit” and do the “re-write”. This is all as-written. You will note the occasional spelling error, or gerund mis-reference, whatever. I cant slow my work streak to worry about such things, it has to “flow” smoothly…
“The Pig Roast”
The night in this land was much cooler than during the day, and the men used it to walk to their destination. Not only was moving in the night cooler and more comfortable, it was safer as well. Bands of rich and powerful men wanted them dead so badly they could taste it, but, the men had thus far largely evaded their clutches.
“Why do you insist on meeting this man? He’s broken.”
“WHy not? I would meet him.”
This conversation went in circles and it went no where anytime the men brought it up. This man that led them, this man they followed? Sometimes he would tell them everything, sometimes he would tell them nothing, and only smile. All they knew? Was that he wanted to meet the man he sought, and that seemed to be all… for now. Sometimes though? The man spoke in circles and riddles, a thin smile on his face.
“This man KNOWS something.”
“We need this thing he knows?”
“Yes. very much. Well, I already know it, but, its for everyone else.”
(laugh) “Then why don’t you just tell us this thing, and we wouldn’t have to waste all this time walking here all night, eh?”
For as powerful and as dangerous as they had come to see this man they followed could be? He did not mind being questioned, or disagreed with, or even teased and made fun of. These men were not used to such a powerful leader that could at the same time be so easygoing.
“well… some things in this world, some ideas? Sometimes you cant just tell the person, you cant just show them. The person has to see it for themselves. Otherwise? the person will THINK they understand it, but not completely. They might forget it sometimes if i tell them again and again. SOME things in this world? You dont tell them, you SHOW them. You dont SHOW them as much as just describe it… and, sort of leave it out on the table for them to see it for THEMSELVES. Then? each man suddenly NOTICES that it was RIGHT THERE, out in the open the whole time? The thing i was describing? You just never noticed before… When you suddenly realize and see it for yourself? You NEVER forget it, it makes more of an impression when you see it for yourself.”
“Is this… what is your words from your country for this? You can lead a horse to water, but you can not make him drink it?”
“Uhm… not how i think of it. This? I think this would be… what we call ‘hiding in plain sight’.”
“That… doesnt make a lot of sense…”
(laugh) “Its funny. I can learn YOUR language, YOU can learn MY language? But, the last thing we both learn is the common phrases everyone uses, you know what i mean?”
“Yes…”
“I dont know the word in your language, in my language we call that ‘idiom’. Here’s another phrase for what i am talking about, maybe better than hiding in plain sight… we sometimes say the thing is… ‘the elephant in the room’.”
“What?”
“Well, you know what an elephant is, right?”
“Yes…”
“well… it seems silly, but… pretend there WAS an elephant in the room, and you never noticed it before. Its big, you walk and sit right by it for years, and you never noticed. Suddenly? you REALIZE, HEY! Theres an ELEPHANT in this room! Why didnt i SEE it before?”
“Okay…”
“See, you live there. You grew up around it, you never noticed it before. One day, a man moves to your town, he happens to come over to your house? Because hes not USED to the elephant, because hes from another town? He INSTANTLY notices that there’s an ELEPHANT in the room. He says it… Hey! Why is there a damn ELEPHANT in the living room? You suddenly realize, there IS. You realize its FUNNY you never noticed it before.”
“This is… funny?”
“Not funny ‘ha ha’… funny STRANGE… okay, i always forget that, you realise its STRANGE you never noticed the elephant in the room before.”
“So, I could tell the men… that… we are going to find an elephant, eh?”
(the man smiled…) “Yes, I suppose we are.” (they both laughed together)
The man he had been speaking to, fell back in pace to be closer to the men walking behind them in a loose group. “I know why we are going here tonight.”
The men were excited, really? where? Tell us… and they looked at him like he was crazy, when he laughed and said “we are trying to find an elephant!”, and he laughed and went back up to walk beside the man leading them. They pressed him to explain it, but he would not. He looked at the man taking them there, and smiled and winked at him… the man just smiled, then they shared that smile together. There were lights coming as they crested the hill, they were close to their destination.
The leader’s men that knew this town, and this area? Scouted for him and reported back, they were pretty sure THAT was the place the man he sought lived, right THERE. The one with the light on this late when most of the other windows were dark ink. “Yes, that is the one, we are pretty sure. But… this man? I tell you, he is BROKEN. He is not a man anymore. He is broken.”
The leader fixed him with one of his now infamous deadpan gazes, locking eyes with him. “I do not only WANT this man? I NEED him. This man? Is the elephant in the room. The elephant in the room that no one sees. I do not WANT him… i NEED him. I want you to take me to him. I want to talk to him.”
“How do you want to do this, gringo? Will we all go?”
“Oh, I dont expect any real trouble. Me and you, naturally… say, three good men with us. We will be small and quiet.”
“Heh, we will be… quiet, quiet like the… church mouses?”
“(smile) yes. Quiet as church mice.”
“Eh, fine then. We will be mice, and we are going to go sneak up on the elephant. We will wait for morning, or, we will go now?”
“I was thinking we go now, in the night. We will attract less attention that way. The rest of the men stay here, and stay quiet. If we’re not back by morning? They go back alone. If we come out and have trouble? They wait until we are close before they help.”
The man instructed his men, then picked out three. “you and you… and… YOU… the rest of you stay here, say… for half an hour. Then? just in case my new friend decides to come with us? We want to show him a good TIME, don’t we? I was thinking the rest of you might as well set up a pig roast, huh? We brought all our stuff for a pig roast after all, this way whether i make a new friend or not, we still get something out of it all, okay? Plus? i REALLY want to show our new friend some fun, if he decides tgo come with us…”
The men smiled, a pig roast was ALWAYS a great idea to them, just about any day or night.
Walking so as to prefer staying in the shadows without making it TOO obvious they went to the place they sought. It was a small house on top of a garage or storage room, much more of an apartment than what one would think of as a house. A single set of stairs led up to the only door they could see that would let them inside.
The men with the leader stayed back and to the sides of the door, arranged on the top of the steps and about the door on the small wooden porch at it. The leader stood to one side and knocked. It was obvious everyone was taking precautions if shots rang out suddenly through the door. A couple quick raps and curiously the door swung inward. It creaked open because it was not locked, because it wasnt even latched properly, and the hinges hadnt seen oil in quite some time. The entire place smelled of neglect.
They looked and shrugged at one another. Nothing. The leader stole a quick glance around the door frame. He saw no guns, only one man sitting in an old wooden chair stoically. The man looked at them with neither any fear nor any real interest. There were no guns in sight, and the mans hands were in his lap. The leader stepped into the doorway.
In quiet polite spanish, he asked if the man’s name was Juan. “Si… I am Juan. Come in. You have finally come to killl me then. Its about time. Get it over with.”
The leader spoke slowly and extra politely now. “No, Senor. We are not here to kill you. I just want to talk with you.”
“You are not with them?”
“If by ‘THEM’, you mean the PIGS? No, we are not with the PIGS… we are fighting the pigs.”
“I do not care WHO you are. Kill me. Get it over with. The PIGS killed my wife. They killed my child. They would not kill me, and I do not seem to be able to kill myself. DO it… I am already dead inside. I wish i was dead outside as well. Kill me, I beg you. DO me this favor.”
The man suddenly pulled a small revolver up. The men with him started to raise guns up, and the man stood in front of the man, who was now holding the gun to his back, and he had his arms spread out “do NOT kill him!”. The man turned around, and faced the man who held the old rusty revolver towards his chest. “We are NOT here to kill you… I just want to talk to you. That is all. Is that so bad?”
The man lowered the rusty revolver, and mumbled something the gringo didnt quite catch, as spanish wasnt his first language. “You… translate for me…”
“Senor? can we talk?”
The man laughed, he was obviously a little bit drunk. “Yes, we can talk. We can drink too… we can drink and we can talk… and maybe then, if you DRINK enough? Maybe THEN, you will have the courage to kill me….” The man put the revolver on the small wooden table beside him, next to the bottle of hooch.
The men fanned about the room, and stood quietly. Their gringo leader pulled up another rickety wooden chair and sat on the other side of the table. He reached for the bottle, poured a couple fingers of the cheap tequila in the little dirty glass, and drank it. The broken man did the same, and after they each had two pulls of the booze, the man spoke again, softly. ALmost reverently. His right hand man gave running translation…
“Juan? I know what was done to you. I know the pigs killed your wife and child. I know that they would not kill you, and i know they forbid anyone else to kill you. I am sorry. I am fighting these pigs… these men are fighting the pigs. We want YOU to fight WITH us. What do you say?”
“I cant fight… i cant even kill myself! I cant do it. SO i am killing myself much more slowly, with cheap tequila. I dont even hardly eat. It will be over eventually, and i can be with my wife and my child. When they died, i died too. I want to be with them…”
“Juan? Let me put it this way… if you WANT to die? Why give your life away cheap? WHy not MAKE them kill you. We will kill as many of the pigs as we can. YOU can kill many pigs, then… if you die? Then you die. But, die killing PIGS, man! Make them PAY for it! Make them WORK for it! Do not do their work FOR them… join with us. I can use a man such as you. I NEED a man like you.”
“What possible use can you have for a man like me? I wish i was dead. What value can i have for you?”
“Juan… you do not know? You… are a man who is completely unafraid to die. That actually makes you very POWERFUL. You will not flinch when the pigs fire bullets at us. You will not think ONCE of any bribes. No Juan… i NEED man just like YOU… i need you very much. Because you are not afraid of their bullets, and you do not want their silver.”
Juan cried a little, no fan fare, just a few thin tears ran down his cheeks that he did not seem to care about anyone seeing them. Juan poured himself another drink, then he poured another for this gringo stranger that wanted him to join with him.
“Is this some trick?”
“This is no trick, Juan… and even if it was? What do YOU care? Its not like you are afraid you will be killed if it IS a trick, eh? You have no job to lose, you have no real money to lose. You probably dont care about this house anymore, do you?” (they laughed together at that one)
“Gringo… do you know what it is LIKE to see your wife and child killed?”
The leader got quiet, poured himself a large measure of the cheap tequila, drank half of it in one swallow. “Juan… you are right, i do not know what it is like to see your child killed. I am sure it is horrible, but… i had a wife… I HAD a wife. Evil men killed her, and they cut off her head. I know that much about it.”. He stared the broken man right in the eyes, his expression vacant, his voice hollow. After it was done? I found her. I found her head on a stick. I know that much about it. For me, that is enough.”
Juan peered at the mans face and eyes, they did not waver. He whispered… “The pigs? They killed YOUR wife too? That is why you are fighting them?”
He drank teh second half he had saved down and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “No Juan, not THESE pigs… other pigs did it. On the other side of the world. I was a little bit like YOU are now, at first. Then? Then, i wanted to die, but, i wanted to die FIGHTING them. But? I did not die… i killed them instead.”
“How… how do you live with youself, after that?”
“How Juan? I dedicated my LIFE to fighting men like this. Maybe ONE day, men like this will finally manage to kill me? But, not yet, I dont think. This thing i have, Juan? I want to GIVE it to you. I want us to SHARE it. Me… and YOU… we will fight together. We will live, or we will die. But? We will KILL these pigs… or? We will both die TRYING. And think about this Juan… either way? We get what we want. eh? What do you say?”
“Maybe, maybe i like the IDEA, but… i do not know how to fight men like this. I dont know how to kill people. I cant even kill myself…”
“Juan? We will SHOW you how to kill the pigs. Thats the easy part. Killing people is easy… its saving people? Thats the hard part. SO? what do you say? Will you try it?”
“How long do i have to decide?”
“Not long, Juan. We have to be over the hill and on our way when the sun is up. Thats in about an hour or so. You have until about then to decide.”
The leader scratched his chin and cheek, thinking… “Juan? how about THIS. I will make you a deal. A promise, Juan. YOU go with me, with US. You do what i say. For a while… Then? If you STILL want? I swear to you, i will then kill you myself. I will make it quick, i will make it painless… you wont even know its coming, i swear it. BUT… you have to at least TRY it, for as long as i say to try it. THEN? When i think you are ready? THEN you can decide. Whether you will die, or, whether you will die fighting PIGS. EH? Now, think about this Juan? Eh? (he counted off on his fingers…)
“You might get killed fighting pigs… you get what you want… you might get killed by ME, because you wanted to die. Again? This is what you want. Or? Maybe i am right… and you will become a NEW MAN, like i did? Fighting PIGS… So? I say… why die HERE? Why not go with US? You can live or die out there, with us. I dont think there is anything HERE for you anymore, is there?” (Juan shook his head, and a tear ran down his cheek) “…then? maybe… just maybe, there is something out THERE for you then. Or not… but… what is the difference. I say, just TRY it.”
The broken man drank some more, and the gringo passed the bottle around. Out of sight of the broken man, he made motions to indicate they should help them drink the bottle. Obviously he waqnted the man able to walk, and if they helped finish the bottle, it would be possible. The men seemed happy but quiet to comply.
Juan seemed to arrive at something resembling a decision. “Eh, i suppose it really doesnt matter whether i die here, or, if i die with you men somewhere else. There is nothing left here for me anyways. This is funny. I want to die, and i wish you would kill me? And you want me to kill other people.”
“What do you want to take with you, Juan? What do you need?”
Juan laughed pitifully. “not much…”. He grabbed his bottle, and he produced several more bottles of the same horrible vintage. The gringo indicated for the men to take those. Juan took a couple small snapshots of what was obviously his dead wife and child, and he changed his sandals in for his old well worn work boots. He had a small knapsack he put his few meager posessions into. Then he stood up, and said quietly… “well? lets go, then…”.
The gringo said “Juan? What about your gun?”
Juan laughed. “That old thing? That doesnt even work! It belonged to my father… i only keep it handy, in case the PIGS came back. I thought if i pointed it at them? It might make them kill me…”.
The men checked quietly on the radio if the coast was clear, then they set off. The gringo had Juan walk with him at his side, his hand often on the broken mans shoulder. When they were off the edge of town, and into the base of the hills, where they had come from? They stopped.
“Okay, Juan. SO? you are WITH us. You will be one of us now. I want you to LISTEN to me, from now on. Okay? Can you do that? I would normally tell you, that if you BETRAY us, we will kill you? But… i do not think you would betray us… i already know of you. I know you would rather be dead, and i know that the only reason your wife and child are dead, is because you would not take money off of the pigs. Because you are an honest man. Will you follow me? Will you listen to me? Will you do as i say?”
“Yes. There is just one thing, gringo…”
“What, Juan?”
“What is your NAME? Who ARE you men? Who am i going to die fighting with?”
“Juan? My name is not so important. The men? They call me ‘Zapatos’…”
“You? You are ZAPATOS? Then… then you are…”
“Yes, Juan… we are Los Pepes…”
“Holy mother of Christ…”, Juan swore under his breath. They went up the small hill that sat at the foot of the larger hills they would be going into, back whence these men had come from. As the sun came up over the far hill in the east, they sat on the hill in the underbrush, over looking the small town.
The gringo hald out his hand, and one of the men placed a small black box into his hand. He lifted a cover off of it, and a button glowed a soft dull red. “Juan? You were an HONEST policeman. That is why this all happened to you. THOSE men, down THERE? They are all with the pigs. They take the PIG’s silver, they shoot the pigs bullet’s, do they not?”
“Yes, yes they do. I hate them…”
“Juan? Lets kill those pigs down there, okay?”
“Right now, Zapatos?”
“Right now. Give me your bottle, Juan… i will trade you…”, and he held out the small black box. “You only have to push that little red button… and look down THERE…”, pointing at a building in the distance.
Zapatos drank a swig of the shitty cheap tequila out of the bottle, and Juan stared at the little black box, and finally pressed the button. The corrupt police station ceased to exist violently. It exploded from all four corners, the roof blew apart and straight up into pieces, and all four walls blew apart into splinters and outwards. A huge fireball engulfed what had once been the police station, that was no more. A maelstrom of fire, smoke, and colored light that seemed as if it would never cease expanding, that then never the less contracted upwards, into the ever familiar mushroom of fire and smoke and falling detritus of what had once been a very small, very corrupt polics station… that seemingly the finger of god himself decided to finally smite it.
Juan didnt move. He didnt cry, but he didnt smile. He just sat there watching the embers of the blown to hell corrupt police station. “Do you have a problem with this, Juan?”
“I have many problems, Zapatos, but i have no problem with this, believe me.”
“I believe you Juan… and? Whats more? I believe IN YOU. You are now one of us. You are Los Pepes now. Okay?”
“Yes.”
“Just one more thing. You will never be ’Juan” again… Juan is dead.”
Juan blinked at him, confused, and not just from the cheap tequila he had been drinking to try to put himself to sleep with, either.
“What… what will my name BE then? I have always been Juan…”
“What do you think, boys? What is his name now?”
The men laughed… “El Elephante.”
“Why am i the Elephant? I am not so big…”
“No…”, Zapatos said, “… but? you are powerful, and? They say an elephant never forgets… and i know YOU will never forget your wife and child. You are Elephante now.”
They all sat on the hill and watched the carnage, finishing off the rest of the tequila. Other men joined them, they were obviously the men that had set the charges on the police station. Then they walked off into the hills… all together. They walked up and down the hills, and when far enough into the hills they went off the path and found a place to sleep. When it was dark, they set off again.
They had work to do.
I’m not going to win this one. You guys go ahead and have your fun. I’m not creative enough to compete here.
Edit: Okay, let’s see what this does.
Ejected Filament wrote: I could be wrong, or half wrong but Im unlikely to be completely right.
Does this relate to your comment above? It must. I like it :laughing:
Whether or not you believe it, the Dunning-Kruger effect applies to us all, and the majority-most of the time. (Pravda)
What Is The Speed of Dark?
And on a lighter note
Philosophers Football
Now for some more subtle highbrow “humor” if it can so be called…
All original creations, except a couple noted that were inspired by my mom’s favorite jokes…
Also, Harry Potter spoiler so beware!
Redneck Elf:
Adventure Dog (inspired by my wife):
Crazy Train Robber:
Vegetarian Tourist:
Lightning Strike (inspired by my mother):
Harry Potter Spoiler (just because I thought the pronunciation of “Snerp” was funny):
Ultimate First World Problem:
Severely Grumpy Cat:
REALLY bad pun scarecrow:
Nobody Cares:
I’ve used this one here before:
’Cause that’s how I roll:
Fo Realz!
I’m so confused:
Batman Chemistry (My mother’s favorite joke):
This is the best magic trick I have ever seen :)
She is a real artist
Watch her do the magic!
Good stuff guys, thank you. David, it’s a party, you can join even if you don’t win. Borrow someone else’s imagination. :partying_face:
Congratulations, Rufus. I’m looking forward to the next 10k.
Congrats on 10K Rufusbduck! :+1:
In general I find these types of videos to occasional give me some silly antics to grin about.
-AZ
Reminds me to this old commercial:
EDIT gettin old, seems this commercial was from 1991 
Hmm, I see this is going to depend on my mood come choosing time. Some entertaining stuff here. I know what I planned on giving away but I’m curious what you think I should give away.
I’ll be cheeky. This is a little NSFW
https://pics.onsizzle.com/a-search-kassie-rachelle-jun-13-at-5-14pm-attention-customers-2824892.png
Just wanted to say congrats on 10K and that we are very fortunate to have you here as a member. Power on and here's to RBD's next 10K!
That was disgustingly funny. You know she can read but not why she didn’t? :person_facepalming:
Congrats on 10,000 posts! 
The only thing that comes to mind even after all this time since the op is to suggest watching idiocracy.
It’s going on for a month because tax time fell into the middle of it. It doesn’t need to be a video or even any particular media, funny, poigniant, epic, or trivial, all are welcome and appreciated.
Halfway there bump