The Lawyer and the Federal Housing Authority
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Authority) loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”
The lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
“Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, she took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus’ expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope … you find His original claim to be satisfactory.
In the Diner
Two lawyers entered the diner and ordered a couple of drinks. They then took sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry owner went over to them and said, “Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!”
Shrugging their shoulders the lawyers exchanged sandwiches.
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
“Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.” “But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars.”
The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
“Doc, you gotta help me. I got these songs running over and over through my head. Over and over, to the point where I can’t even think straight. I even end up humming them to myself. I can’t sleep! It’s exasperating!”
“Interesting… what songs are they?”
“A bunch… Delilah… What’s New Pussycat… Thunderball…”
Wife asks programmer husband to go to store and buy a loaf of bread.
Then she adds, “If they have eggs, get a dozen”.
Husband comes home with 12 loaves.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
God almost reaches the bottom of the bag of things to give to Adam and Eve.
He pulls out a piece of paper, “peeing standing up”
Adam: “oh God, give that to me, really I should have this”
Eve shrugs: “if it is so important to him, give it to him”
“And so it shall be from this moment onwards” proclaims God
And he reaches in the bag.
“Last one left, since Adam got peeing standing up, this one is for Eve”
He pulls it out and reads “being able to have multiple orgasms”
