The Daily Joke Thread

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
“Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.” “But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

They just killed someone in a children’s cartoon? Really?

I once became a cat.

Don’t ask meow.

I used to be schizophrenic but now we’re OK.

It's okay; He's a bad guy!

And, spoiler alert, his best friend is a little fruity in the live-action remake.

I heard he likes nuts… :zipper_mouth_face:

“How many satanists does it take to change a light bulb ?

None. Let darkness reign !” :smiling_imp:

If you want to find a use for something, first throw it away.

Yeah… I know! :person_facepalming:

OMG, that’s so funny, haha! :smiley: :beer:

(really glad to see your signature again :partying_face: )

We aim to please!

What do you call it when everyone at work is sick?

…Staff infection.

A guy sees his doctor…

“Doc, you gotta help me. I got these songs running over and over through my head. Over and over, to the point where I can’t even think straight. I even end up humming them to myself. I can’t sleep! It’s exasperating!”

“Interesting… what songs are they?”

“A bunch… DelilahWhat’s New PussycatThunderball…”

“Ah! You must have Tom Jones Syndrome!”

“Never heard of that. Is it rare?”

“It’s Not Unusual…”

Wife asks programmer husband to go to store and buy a loaf of bread.
Then she adds, “If they have eggs, get a dozen”.
Husband comes home with 12 loaves.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.

God almost reaches the bottom of the bag of things to give to Adam and Eve.
He pulls out a piece of paper, “peeing standing up”
Adam: “oh God, give that to me, really I should have this”
Eve shrugs: “if it is so important to him, give it to him”
“And so it shall be from this moment onwards” proclaims God
And he reaches in the bag.
“Last one left, since Adam got peeing standing up, this one is for Eve”
He pulls it out and reads “being able to have multiple orgasms”

Yeah, totally not fair. :laughing:

Found on GearBest.
See the blue box.