The Daily Joke Thread

Triple filter test works only about 99% of the times

And is where most "professionals" make their money.

It certainly is what I get paid (very, very badly) for.

After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"

Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"

God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."

Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

Apologies in advance to any Detroit based forumites!

On a flight getting ready to depart from Chicago to Detroit, Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, shuddering in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to Detroit. There's crazy people there; they've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools and the highest crime rate of any major U.S. city."

Jack replied: "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place to live as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed a bit, stopped shaking and said: "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Sorry ...

Silly Sally was walking through central park at 2AM when a man jumped out of the busches with a gun and demanded that Sally take off all her clothes.....

BUT Sally just laughed and laughed .... She knew her clothes would never fit that man .

Man receives a telegram: Wife dead - should she be buried or cremated?


Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes.


A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to toe.

A doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably don't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but I'm afraid your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in available insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It costs roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man immediately perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and go for a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had 9 inches before and you decide to only invest in 5 inches now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor returns the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man, "We're getting granite counter tops in the kitchen."

Yo' mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks at roadmaps she sees people waving at her!

Banned from Walmart

Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Walmart.

I like that joke Don!

A classic, Don. To go along with it, here's something for your viewing (dis)pleasure:

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/photos/

Be careful, it can be very addictive in a weird sort of way...

Half an hour later, I see what you mean.

Now should that be :) or :( or a puking smiley?

It's complicated, that should cover it.

An Okie and a Texan were fishing and drinking beer on the Red River bridge when they both decided they needed to relieve themselves.

As they took a leak over the edge of the bridge, the Texan says "Man, that water is cold."

The Okie responded, "And deep too."

That was friggin' funny as hell Don! Thanks for the early morning laugh. It's a great way to wake up to in the morning.

Gunpowder

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Yo' mama's so stupid, it takes her an hour to make minute rice!

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

After that, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, obese, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it's a rule here that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.

"May I help you sir?" she says.

The man slaps his membership card and key on the counter and yells, "Here is my membership card and key, and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen here lady, I'm 58 years old; I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."

Two cannibals eating a clown, one turns to the other and says - "Does this taste funny to you?"

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
We were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
Drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
Right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
To me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
Something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
Making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
Thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
Grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
Scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
The house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
Grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
Lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
Boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
Downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
Garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
Would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
Into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
Anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
Stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
Home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
To go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
Me and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
The Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
Your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.