:D :bigsmile: :party:
Some of those hit a little to closet to home. I am, however, sending them to my wife right now.
" My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........"
Classic! LMAO! Reminds me of another...
The wife was getting dressed for a party and trying to figure what to wear. She said to me, "does this dress make me look fat?". I replied, "nah...your ass makes you look fat". That's when the fight started...
Ok, it's been waaaaaay too long without a joke. Cone, Boaz, JohnnyMac, you're all becoming slackers.
I get no respect.
I went to my doctor the other day and say "Doctor, my wife has VD".
And the doctor gives himself a shot.
What are you talking about, I'm doing improv everywhere. Not well, but I'm doing it. :glasses:
@fnsooner, way to step up.
@cone: Props for the improv, but you have be there to enjoy it in the moment. This joke thread is for posterity, man.
A blond takes her classic car to a mechanic because it was running rough. He fixed it pretty quick, and when she asked him how he got it running smoothly he said "just crap in the carburetor".
The blond asked, "do I have to do that every time I drive it?"
Fair enough, I yield to the stronger argument. I will find something to post here soon.
As a blond, I must say that I didn't find that funny. |( Kinda hurt my feelings actually. :((
But thanks for the tip, because my truck hasn't been running right and I now think I know why. :p
Did you guys see that? Triple smilies!
Where the heck are my 1st two smilies? I want my Angry and my Crying back. I've been robbed!
A guy walks into a jewelry store with this terribly hot blonde. He says to the jeweler, I want to see your finest piece. The jewler brings out this $3,000 bracelet. The guy says, "I don't think you understand, I want to see your finest piece of jewelry." The jewler says okay, and brings back this beautiful $8,000 necklace. The man irritated at this point, repeats his request. "I want to see your FINEST piece of jewelry you have in this whole damn place." The jewler goes back to the safe, brings out this exquisite $30,000 diamond ring.
The man writes to jewler a check and says, "Now, I know what your are going to think, that the check is bad. That's why I'm going to leave the check, and the ring with you. Come monday morning when the check clears, I'll be in to get the ring." The jewler is ecstatic and says absolutely and thanks the man for his business.
Come monday, the jewler calls the man and says furiously, "What the hell, the check didn't clear, The bank said you don't have any money at all in your account !" The man replies, " That's true , but I had a hell of a weekend!"`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
2 blondes either side of a river...one calls out to the other hello there how do i get to the otherside?
The other blonde replys...your on the other side```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
John and his wife went golfing every week together to their favorite course. One day on the 7th hole John's ball landed behind a barn. He was going to take an unplayable lie penalty stroke, but his wife said that if he opened up the front and back doors of the barn he could play through the barn.
As John was lining up his shot his wife went to the back of the barn to hold the door open. John stroked the ball and it hit his wife in the head killing her instantly.
A year later some guys from work asked him to play golf. They took him to the same course he used to play with his wife. And on the 7th hole his drive put him behind the barn again.
John was about to take an unplayable lie penalty, when one of the guys suggested to open up the barn doors and play through it.
John said "No way! The last time I played that shot I got a nine.
This very thing happened to me last week when my brother and I were out fishing.
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.He doesn't seem to be breathing ; his eyes have rolled back in his head . The other man whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator:' my friend is dead ! what can i do ?' the operator ,in a calm soothing soothing voice says 'just take it easy i can help, first , let's make sure he's dead' There is a silence and then a shot is heard, the guy's voice comes back on to the line and says :' O K, now what ?
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A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, "Gimme a chap stick."
The pharmacist asks the duck, "Will that be cash or charge?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."
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10,000 Chinese walk into a bar and order a beer,
the bartender says: thats funny we don't get many Chinese around here..
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So this magician works on a cruise ship, doing his act every night. But because the audience kept changing he just used the same routine, no one ever saw the show twice. Except, that is for the Captain's parrot. After a while the parrot saw how each trick worked and would call out "It's a fake card!" or "It's up his sleeve!" This really annoyed the magician as it was spoiling his routine but he couldn't do anything - it was the Captain's parrot.
The one dark & stormy night the cruise ship suddenly sank and there were hardly any survivors. The magician ended up floating on some debris with just the parrot for company.
The parrot never said a thing on the first day, was quiet on the second day, silent on the third day. Finally after four days of floating the parrot looks at the magician and says "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
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Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE !!! "
Yo mama's so fat... if she was the Titanic, the Iceberg would have sank! ♪ rim shot ♫
I can tell you've been saving up, Boaz.
I like that parrot and the magician
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an old favorite of mine ....
Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
to get to the other slide
Why did the chicken cross the road?
