A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.He doesn't seem to be breathing ; his eyes have rolled back in his head . The other man whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator:' my friend is dead ! what can i do ?' the operator ,in a calm soothing soothing voice says 'just take it easy i can help, first , let's make sure he's dead' There is a silence and then a shot is heard, the guy's voice comes back on to the line and says :' O K, now what ?
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A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, "Gimme a chap stick."
The pharmacist asks the duck, "Will that be cash or charge?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."
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10,000 Chinese walk into a bar and order a beer,
the bartender says: thats funny we don't get many Chinese around here..
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So this magician works on a cruise ship, doing his act every night. But because the audience kept changing he just used the same routine, no one ever saw the show twice. Except, that is for the Captain's parrot. After a while the parrot saw how each trick worked and would call out "It's a fake card!" or "It's up his sleeve!" This really annoyed the magician as it was spoiling his routine but he couldn't do anything - it was the Captain's parrot.
The one dark & stormy night the cruise ship suddenly sank and there were hardly any survivors. The magician ended up floating on some debris with just the parrot for company.
The parrot never said a thing on the first day, was quiet on the second day, silent on the third day. Finally after four days of floating the parrot looks at the magician and says "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
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Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE !!! "