The Daily Joke Thread

What are you talking about, I'm doing improv everywhere. Not well, but I'm doing it. :glasses:

@fnsooner, way to step up.

@cone: Props for the improv, but you have be there to enjoy it in the moment. This joke thread is for posterity, man.

A blond takes her classic car to a mechanic because it was running rough. He fixed it pretty quick, and when she asked him how he got it running smoothly he said "just crap in the carburetor".

The blond asked, "do I have to do that every time I drive it?"

Fair enough, I yield to the stronger argument. I will find something to post here soon.

As a blond, I must say that I didn't find that funny. |( Kinda hurt my feelings actually. :((

But thanks for the tip, because my truck hasn't been running right and I now think I know why. :p

Did you guys see that? Triple smilies!

Where the heck are my 1st two smilies? I want my Angry and my Crying back. I've been robbed!

A guy walks into a jewelry store with this terribly hot blonde. He says to the jeweler, I want to see your finest piece. The jewler brings out this $3,000 bracelet. The guy says, "I don't think you understand, I want to see your finest piece of jewelry." The jewler says okay, and brings back this beautiful $8,000 necklace. The man irritated at this point, repeats his request. "I want to see your FINEST piece of jewelry you have in this whole damn place." The jewler goes back to the safe, brings out this exquisite $30,000 diamond ring.

The man writes to jewler a check and says, "Now, I know what your are going to think, that the check is bad. That's why I'm going to leave the check, and the ring with you. Come monday morning when the check clears, I'll be in to get the ring." The jewler is ecstatic and says absolutely and thanks the man for his business.

Come monday, the jewler calls the man and says furiously, "What the hell, the check didn't clear, The bank said you don't have any money at all in your account !" The man replies, " That's true , but I had a hell of a weekend!"

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2 blondes either side of a river...one calls out to the other hello there how do i get to the otherside?

The other blonde replys...your on the other side

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John and his wife went golfing every week together to their favorite course. One day on the 7th hole John's ball landed behind a barn. He was going to take an unplayable lie penalty stroke, but his wife said that if he opened up the front and back doors of the barn he could play through the barn.

As John was lining up his shot his wife went to the back of the barn to hold the door open. John stroked the ball and it hit his wife in the head killing her instantly.

A year later some guys from work asked him to play golf. They took him to the same course he used to play with his wife. And on the 7th hole his drive put him behind the barn again.

John was about to take an unplayable lie penalty, when one of the guys suggested to open up the barn doors and play through it.

John said "No way! The last time I played that shot I got a nine.

This very thing happened to me last week when my brother and I were out fishing.

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.He doesn't seem to be breathing ; his eyes have rolled back in his head . The other man whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator:' my friend is dead ! what can i do ?' the operator ,in a calm soothing soothing voice says 'just take it easy i can help, first , let's make sure he's dead' There is a silence and then a shot is heard, the guy's voice comes back on to the line and says :' O K, now what ?

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A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, "Gimme a chap stick."
The pharmacist asks the duck, "Will that be cash or charge?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."

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10,000 Chinese walk into a bar and order a beer,
the bartender says: thats funny we don't get many Chinese around here..

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So this magician works on a cruise ship, doing his act every night. But because the audience kept changing he just used the same routine, no one ever saw the show twice. Except, that is for the Captain's parrot. After a while the parrot saw how each trick worked and would call out "It's a fake card!" or "It's up his sleeve!" This really annoyed the magician as it was spoiling his routine but he couldn't do anything - it was the Captain's parrot.
The one dark & stormy night the cruise ship suddenly sank and there were hardly any survivors. The magician ended up floating on some debris with just the parrot for company.
The parrot never said a thing on the first day, was quiet on the second day, silent on the third day. Finally after four days of floating the parrot looks at the magician and says "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

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Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE !!! "

Yo mama's so fat... if she was the Titanic, the Iceberg would have sank! ♪ rim shot ♫

I can tell you've been saving up, Boaz.

I like that parrot and the magician

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an old favorite of mine ....

Why did the chicken cross the playground ?

to get to the other slide

Why did the chicken cross the road?

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !



Queen Elizabeth
and

Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them
gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
reason why she
should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'


The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.


Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.


The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!


Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,


A Royal Flush


Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are.

I really had to laugh when I saw it first. :D

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said "I do. Why?"


The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know you left your Injun running..."
Rather Ironic Isn’t It?

The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to “please do not feed the animals” because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.

Military Language Conversion Chart

NAVY

ARMY

AIR FORCE

Heads

Shitter

Powder Room

Rack

Bunk / Farter

Queen bed electric blanket & doona

Cafe / SCRAN Hall

Mess / Mess Tent

Dining Facility

Pussers Cook

Cook / Fitter & Turner

Contract Chef

Brew

Brew

Vanilla Skim Latte' with a bickie

Limers / Goffa

Goffa/ jebwby juice (can of coke/cordial)

Shirley Temple

W9's/Coveralls

Cams /DPCUs

Casual Attire

Seaman

Private

Bobby / Jimmy

Chief

WO2

Timothy / Justin

Captain

Colonel

Rupert / James

The Table(chooks)

Article 15

Time Out

Mess/Onboard

Barracks

Self contained Apartment

Durps/Trolleys

Underwear

Knickers

Cells

Piss Can

Grounded

Cero's

Pollys

Armani Suit

Lid / Cap

Beret/Head Gear/ Slouch

Optional /beret

AFT Stores

Q Store

Westfield Shopping Mall

Hammered

Pissed

Oops. little tipsy..

Deployment/ Detachment

Deploy / Ops / Bush / Scrub / Field

Huh?

Runners

Runners

Moccasin's

Die for your Country

Die for your Mate

Die for Air Conditioning

Shipmate/Oppo/Besty

Mate/digger

Honey/Babe/Pookie

Terminate / Contact

Take Out

Back on Base for Nuck Night

Boiler Boots

GP’s / Terras

Ugg Boots

Pussers Sandals

JC Sandals

Patent Leather Stilettos

SEAL

SASR

Librarian

Shore Patrol

MPs

Chaperone's

Hot Packs

Rat Packs

Al a Carte

Throw a Goffa

Salute / Chuck a Boxer

Wave

Obstacle Course

Obs Course

Typing Course

Parade Drill/Parade Ground

Drill Practice/Parade Ground

What?

Canteen

AAFCANS / Frontline

McHappy Meal

RANPFT

PT / BFA

Smoko / Ping Pong Comps

Chief Swain

RSM

OIC Cuddles

Midshipman

Officer Cadet

Debutant

Pusser

AJ

RAAFY Chappy