The Daily Joke Thread

never mind

Joe was sitting at a bar next to Bob. Bob turns to Joe and said, "You look terrible. Why are you all hunched over and in such obvious pain?"
Joe said, "Do you really want to know?"
Bob said, "Sure."
"Okay." Joe said. "One day while I was fishing down by the beach, I accidentally kicked over a bottle, and a Genie popped out.
The Genie said, "I'll grant you any wish, but only one."
"So then I said, "No sh*t?"

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Game Wardens about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.
A Warden steps out of the bushes, "AhHA!" he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled "HOLY SH*T!". The Warden, who wasn't expecting such a response said "Settle down, I'm with the Department of Fish and Game". "Thank God for that" said the fisherman, "I thought you were the guy who owned this fish trap !"

One day, in line at the company cafeteria,

Joe says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it."

"It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer l lights up and asks for the
urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits..

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)


3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

Finally , the guys' side of the story
( I must admit, it's pretty good)

We always hear 'the rules' From the female side

Now here are the rules from the male side


These are our rules!

Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. ( This one is my personal favorite )

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, sex, cars, hooters, or tools.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Straight IS a shape! Flat IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that?

It's like camping.

As true as it gets, Jack! I do have to make one correction…

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, sex, cars, hooters, or tools sex, hooters, flashlights, tools, motorcycles or cars.

No flashlights ?

"Understanding Women" is now out in paperback...

... Part I

This is where Encyclopedia Britannica went wrong . . they had a finite number of parts to sell.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey! I love you too!!"

“Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy!”

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.

'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears'.

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll think about it,' I said.

Six months later, I met the doctor on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how,may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off my bed!

All of his life George from Michigan had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.

On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

january, winter, cold, frozen lake? :D

then i get it ;)

After 46 years of marriage, a husband and wife went in for counseling. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every
problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on
she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved
and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing her to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he
embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with
a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs
at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I
fish."

I really hate being Bipolar its wonderful.

One to change the battery and to post that the battery has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing batteries and how the battery could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing batteries.
One to move it to the battery section.
Two to argue, then move it to the Flashlight section.
Seven to point out spelling/ grammar errors in posts about changing batteries.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling and grammar of the flamers.
Six to argue over whether it's "batteries" or "batterys", another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "cell".
Fifteen know it alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "battery" is perfectly correct.
Nineteen to post that this forum is not about "batteries" and to please take this discussion to a "battery" forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use batteries and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing batteries is superior, where to buy the best batteries, what brand of battery work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different batteries.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes batteries relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "+1".
Two to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the battery controversy.
Five to say, "Didn't we go through this already a few months ago?"
Nine to say, "Do a Google search on batteries before posting questions about batteries".
One forum lurker to respond to the original post eight months from now and start it all over again.

1 Thank

+1 :p

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible'
theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts! I mean I fart ALL the FREAKIN' time!"

The Doctor nods, "Hmmmmm."

Patient, "The thing is that my farts don't stink and you can't hear them either. It's just that I fart all the goddamn time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted at least five times already. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmmmmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great Doc! This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is for some medicine to clear out your sinuses and next week I want you back here for a hearing test."