"Understanding Women" is now out in paperback...
... Part I
"Understanding Women" is now out in paperback...
... Part I
This is where Encyclopedia Britannica went wrong . . they had a finite number of parts to sell.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey! I love you too!!"
“Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy!”
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears'.
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll think about it,' I said.
Six months later, I met the doctor on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how,may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off my bed!
All of his life George from Michigan had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."
january, winter, cold, frozen lake? :D
then i get it ;)
After 46 years of marriage, a husband and wife went in for counseling. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every
problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on
she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved
and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing her to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he
embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with
a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs
at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I
fish."
I really hate being Bipolar its wonderful.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing batteries and how the battery could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing batteries.
One to move it to the battery section.
Two to argue, then move it to the Flashlight section.
Seven to point out spelling/ grammar errors in posts about changing batteries.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling and grammar of the flamers.
Six to argue over whether it's "batteries" or "batterys", another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "cell".
Fifteen know it alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "battery" is perfectly correct.
Nineteen to post that this forum is not about "batteries" and to please take this discussion to a "battery" forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use batteries and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing batteries is superior, where to buy the best batteries, what brand of battery work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different batteries.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes batteries relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "+1".
Two to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the battery controversy.
Five to say, "Didn't we go through this already a few months ago?"
Nine to say, "Do a Google search on batteries before posting questions about batteries".
One forum lurker to respond to the original post eight months from now and start it all over again.
+1 :p
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts! I mean I fart ALL the FREAKIN' time!"
The Doctor nods, "Hmmmmm."
Patient, "The thing is that my farts don't stink and you can't hear them either. It's just that I fart all the goddamn time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted at least five times already. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmmmmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great Doc! This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is for some medicine to clear out your sinuses and next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kidding me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left...
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day.............. cupcake
+2 and you misspelled a word and why no links? ;)
Good post, telman2
… cupcake
cupcake is a muffin? a cake? :quest: then i dont understand..
thanks for the wonderful jokes!! i read them all :D
cupcake in this sense is a term of endearment, like sweety or honey. Now you get it?
cupcake in this sense is a term of endearment, like sweety or honey. Now you get it?
eeouw!
:X
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom
LMAO!!! :D