The Daily Joke Thread

Haha, took me bout 5 seconds to get it. First thought was you didn’t finish the joke.

well, i’ve washed my hands so many times
that i can now see 5th grade test answers.

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench

The first one asks - - Do you still get horny sometimes ?

The second old lady replies - Yes I do

The first then asks - well what do you do when you feel like that ?

The second replies - I just suck on a life saver

After a brief hesitation the first one asks - But who drives you to the beach ?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

slmjim

Two old guys sitting on a bench in the garden of Almost There Mansion. Says the first: β€œwhen we were enlisted, did you ever hear rumors about them doing something in our food to lower our temperament”? Says the second: β€œwhat about it”. Says the first: β€œI think it’s finally kicking in”.

Two ladies were standing on opposite sides of the Erie Canal; one yelled across to the other; how do I get to the other side; the other yelled back; you are on the other side. :disguised_face:

tough choice...

What do you call a fish without an eye?

A fsh.

One of the best old-time comedians around, Jerry Stiller, has passed on. So sad to see him go, but at least he had a nice final chapter revival to his career (Seinfeld, King of Queens).

What do you call a flashlight company that doesn’t ship your orders ?

Sofirn !

I just had to do it

Got this in an email about ridiculous headlines, so I do not know the source:
………

And I rely on spellcheck??
Cheers

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that’s taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!
β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”-

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Those good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!
β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!
β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

β€” Ya think?!
β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”-

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!
β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!
β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren’t they fat enough?!
β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”-

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€” β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”-

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

β€” Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
*

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
*

And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?


A coybow is riding his horse way out west, down the lonely trail when he comes upon an indian man going the other way. When they get close, the indian slows to a stop and eyes a brand new Winchester rifle in the cowboy’s scabbard.

Staring at the shiny engraving and fine walnut finish the indian finally looks up and says, β€œthat is a very fine gun you have there.” The coyboy smiled and said, β€œthanks! …I just got it for my wife today.”

The Indian rubbed his chin for a few seconds then said… β€œgood trade.”

Nothing yet about the cowbow?

He rode off into the sunset of course :wink:

A woman walks into the bathroom and sees her husband weighing himself. While standing on the scale he sucks in his belly.
.
β€œHa!” she tells him, β€œThat won’t help you!”
.
β€œSure it helps,” he replies. β€œHow else can I see the numbers?”

Similar theme:

she: Does this dress make me look fat?

he: Nope, your fat makes you look fat.

Her trial starts next week.

she: β€œDoes this dress make me look fat?”

he: β€œI love you and I want you to look and feel your best. And I don’t
think that particular dress compliments you well. Let’s find something that hides those big love handles.”

(and he started off so well….)