The Daily Joke Thread

eeouw!

:X

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom

LMAO!!! :D

fishinfool that's a great one!

So much win :bigsmile:

Thanks! It's one of my faves and everytime I hear an ice cream truck I laugh.

BTW, love the pic!

There is a cure for cancer.

It is found in the tears of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't cry......

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the BITCH in the kitchen."

:) ..

hi my name is Boaz and I have a flashlight addiction ...I like camping, handbags,long walks on the beach and paisley. I'm interested in making new friends and websites with lots of hello kitty.

Friendship is like a sunny day .........I'm also passionate about ....lots ....and ...lots ....of......Dots ...

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

Good one Boaz!

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

LOL!

Doctors have recently discovered that saliva causes stomach cancer but only when swallowed in small amounts over a period of years.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in and then the trouble started.

:bigsmile: You're on a roll, Telman!

BetweenRides wife thinks he's financially naive and gullible. I bet she changes her tune when she finds out he won the Nigerian lottery.

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

“Just where the heck do you think you're going?” said the man.

“I'm going to Las Vegas”, said the wife, “I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!”

The man said, “Wait a minute!”, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

“Where the heck are you going?” said the wife.

The man said, “I just want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!”

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Italian from New Jersey fumed, "What’s with those jerks, we’re waiting fifteen minutes between shots!"

The Indian doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!’

The Chinese businessman called out, ‘Move it, time is money!’

The Catholic priest said, ‘Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. Excuse me, sir said the priest, ‘What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’

The greens keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.’

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’

The Indian doctor said, ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything that he might be able to do for them.’

The Chinese businessman replied, ‘I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!’

The Italian from New Jersey said, ‘Why the hell can’t they play at night?

Good one Telman!


Back during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to get a car after you paid for one.

Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car. He paid the money, and the asked when can he come and get the car.

"It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".

The man signed the papers, started walking away and then stooped, turned and asked the salesman: "Wait, will it be ready in the morning or in the afternoon"?

"What difference does it make", asked the salesman.

"Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she isn’t wearing any panties.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my hoohah?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow you a kiss." Sure enough the hoohah blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder hoohah can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the hoohah winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat next to her. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in it?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"