The Daily Joke Thread

undressing at the gym, Bill looks over,

"Hey Bob, since when did you start wearing womens underwear?!?"

"Since my wife found a pair in the glove compartment of my truck"

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone’s attention.

“Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?” he asks.


“What’s he look like?” asks one shoddy looking cowboy.


“Well”, replies the Sheriff, “he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket.”


“So what’s he wanted for?” asks the same cowboy.


"Rustlin".


In his 6th grade class, the teacher asked how many students were Obama fans?


Wanting to make their teacher happy, every student raised their hands all except little Johnny.

The teacher asked Johnny why he wanted to be different?

Little Johnny explained that he wasn't an Obama fan.

The teacher asked him why he wasn't an Obama fan?

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm a Libertarian".

The teacher asked him why he was a Libertarian?

Little Johnny told the teacher that his mom was a Libertarian and his dad was a Libertarian and that is why he is a Libertarian.

The teacher asked Johnny, if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would you be?

Little Johnny smiled and said, "Then I'd be an Obama fan".

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.


The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

"Yep."


"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all died straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies...

:)

Mensa Invitational Winners

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration ;(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

Nice fishinfool!

@ fishinfool

Bwa ha hah ha ha har!

That was a good one :-)

Thanks guys!

That was so funny, fishinfool, that I even mailed it to my wife.

Thanks! I have a collection of hundreds of jokes that I have collected over years so this thread will be staying current for a very long time.

An old cowboy sat down at the diner and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

Nice!

How come mexico doesn't compete in the olympics?

...Cause everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already in the US. :)

Here another is:

A guy wearing an expensive three piece suit is approached by an armed thug as he walks down a street in Washington D.C. . The thug put's his gun in the mans's ribs and states "Give me you money." The well dressed man replies "Don't you know who I am? I'm a US congressman." At that point the thug replies "In that case, give me my money!"

I have a 10 page document of my favorite jokes. :)

Nice one fishinfool.

I went to a coworker's house for dinner the other day. I had worked with him for awhile, but it was the first time I got to meet his little girl. She was adorable, and as I like kids I got to chatting with her. She was only 7 but smart as a whip. So I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said President. I looked at her parents, they beemed with pride.
I asked her what she would to help the country? She said with a big smile that she was going to give the poor lots of money so they aren't poor anymore. Again her parents beemed with pride. Knowing her parents were very liberal democrats I decided to make an offer to their daughter.
I told her she didn't have to wait to until she was president to help the poor. She got excited and asked really? I said yes, I have a lot of yard work to be done, and if she wanted to come over and do it for me I would pay her 50 dollars, but after I paid her, before I brought her home I would take her buy the liquor store where the town bum likes to hang out and beg, and she can give the money she earned to him.

She mulled this over and finally said, why doesn't he just come over and earn the 50 dollars by doing your yard work?
I beemed with pride and said Welcome to the Republican Party.....I went home hungry.

Edit: Not a true story.

Good one scaru. Here's another joke:

**********************************************

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when a wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die.' Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Georgia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with black hair. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle.

He unbuttoned his shirt as he went, one button at a time, locking eyes with her. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped....

Then, he spoke, 'Here, iron this and then get me a beer.'