The Daily Joke Thread

I went to a coworker's house for dinner the other day. I had worked with him for awhile, but it was the first time I got to meet his little girl. She was adorable, and as I like kids I got to chatting with her. She was only 7 but smart as a whip. So I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said President. I looked at her parents, they beemed with pride.
I asked her what she would to help the country? She said with a big smile that she was going to give the poor lots of money so they aren't poor anymore. Again her parents beemed with pride. Knowing her parents were very liberal democrats I decided to make an offer to their daughter.
I told her she didn't have to wait to until she was president to help the poor. She got excited and asked really? I said yes, I have a lot of yard work to be done, and if she wanted to come over and do it for me I would pay her 50 dollars, but after I paid her, before I brought her home I would take her buy the liquor store where the town bum likes to hang out and beg, and she can give the money she earned to him.

She mulled this over and finally said, why doesn't he just come over and earn the 50 dollars by doing your yard work?
I beemed with pride and said Welcome to the Republican Party.....I went home hungry.

Edit: Not a true story.

Good one scaru. Here's another joke:

**********************************************

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when a wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die.' Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Georgia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with black hair. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle.

He unbuttoned his shirt as he went, one button at a time, locking eyes with her. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped....

Then, he spoke, 'Here, iron this and then get me a beer.'

Nice!

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

A man was driving his Ford pickup truck in VA, headed toward DC. He ran into a massive traffic jam that extended for miles, as far as the eye could see.

He got out of the truck and saw a man walking toward him and decided to inquire about the situation.

Ford guy: What happened?

Walking guy: Terrorists have taken over the WH and Congress. They are threatening to douse them all in gasoline and burn them alive unless they receive 100 million dollars ransom. We are taking up a collection to help.

Ford guy: What’s the average donation? How much is everyone else chipping in?

Walking guy: About a gallon, each!


Young Couple at Heaven's Gates

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. “What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a Priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a Lawyer?"

1984, a great book; and an accurate prediction. . :)

Come on guys! I need to laugh too!

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement". Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, Crap, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left..

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, NO!
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

@Jack: Nice, sounds true.

@Ecosys:

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman

:)

A guy makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got an S&W .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"

"Not a damned thing..."

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said "No change yet".

That's sad, very sad.

He had all that freedom but didn't buy loads of lights.......

Thanks for the laughs guys!

Bill's barn burned down, so he called the insurance company.

He told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Bill. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Bill replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my wife."

A cop stops a
Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the
biker his name.

'Fred,'
he replies.

'Fred
what?' the officer asks.

'Just
Fred,' the man responds.

The
officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break
and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer
then presses
him for the last name.

The
man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with
it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The
biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'




I was born Fred
Johnson.
I
studied hard and got good grades.

When
I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got
my degree,
so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor,
so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry
was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then
I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got
bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and
she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.


Well,
the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.


Then
I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the
ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my
MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then
the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The
officer walked away in tears, laughing.