Two Irishmen were walking out of a bar...
Love it .
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral ?
One less drunk .
A seal goes to a bar.
The bartender asks: What do you want to drink?
The seal says: " Anything but Canadian Club!
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, fella, why the long face?".
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
What does a hurricane and a red-neck divorce have in common?
No matter what, somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
drum-drum-cymbalFoy
I saw a Nun struggling to get a suitcase onto a train so I helped her.
"God Bless You", she said. I replied, "He already has. Would you like to see it."
My girlfriend said she was breaking up with me because of my obsession with The Monkees . I thought she was joking .
And then I saw her face ...
LOL!
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
An Irish man, a homosexual, and a Jew were standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have a gun
Get into the van
How many Sigmund Freud's does it take to change a light bulb?
Penis, I mean mother, no wait, 1, yeah 1.
One for the kids. What’s invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts.Sorry but I can’t tell my Bigfoot joke here.
a guy sitting at the bar asks the attractive young lady down the bar from him if she'd sleep with him for a million dollars. She says yes. He says how about for $50? She responds "What kind of girl do you think I am?" he replies "We've established that much, now we are just haggling over price".
Hey JohnnyMac , here's an anti limerick :
There once was a swimmer terrific
Who thought he could swim the pacific
Though bets we laid down
That the poor man would drown
He was eaten by a shark in front of a large crowd of terrified onlookers .
Heheheh :)
What's the difference between a truck load of bowling balls and a truck load of dead babies?
You can't unload the truck load of bowling balls with a pitch fork.
This guy inherited his rich aunt's entire estate on the condition that the parrot was allowed to live out its full life span. Otherwise the money went to an animal shelter, all several million dollars of it.
There was a small problem, the parrot was notoriously badly behaved and outright dangerous. After all, a parrot's beak is like a can opener.
After several days of parrot crap on the walls, floor and ceiling and non-stop screeching, the cage is beginning to suffer.
So our guy hires a suit of cheap plate armour to clean out the cage.
And discovered that parrot beaks can open sheet metal.
After he came back from the emergency room, he sits to ponder what to do next.
He's not getting any sleep, and giving all that money to an animal shelter is tempting.
But he thinks of the money - all that lovely money.
He figures out a way to clean out the cage safely - after all he's wanting the money sand he's not letting the %&^&$Q£@$£@$!%$£$%@^ rile him.
Or so he thought. He moved the cage to his kitchen - which was the farthest room from his bedroom and hoped it wasn't upsetting the neighbours.
It was.
After a day of complaints about the racket, he's had enough.
He puts on his amoured gloves, grabs the parrot and tosses it in the freezer.
There is a fearsome screeching and beak dents in the freezer door.
Then the parrot goes quiet.
Oh (multiple expletives deleted)!
I've killed it.
So he throws open the freezer door and sees the scene of carnage inside.
But the parrot is alive.
It hops onto his shoulder and doesn't even try to eat his face.
Quietly it says to him.
"I'm sorry if I have given offence, and resolve never to give you trouble again."
The guy is stunned and doesn't know what to say.
Then the parrot goes on, "But can I ask you one question?"
"OK", he says.