LOLOLOLOL.
That's good JohnnyMac
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...... The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
That's quite the impulse.
What ! Hilarious !!
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
Full...
Cowboy condom purchase...
Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS, PLEASE.
Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT, SIR?
Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!
My wife thinks I'm financially naive and gullible. I bet she changes her tune when she finds out I've won the Nigerian lottery.
Back during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to
get a car after you paid for one.
Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car.
He paid the money, and the asked when can he come and get the car.
"It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".
The man signed the papers, started walking away and then stooped,
turned and asked the salesman: "Wait, will it be ready at the
morning or at the afternnon".
"What difference does it make?", asked the salesman.
"Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".
A Russian schoolteacher asks her class for comments about Adam and Eve.
One girl replies that they are Russian.
The teacher asks the girl why she thinks this.
The girl replies, “They have no clothes, no food, and no shelter, but they think they’re in Paradise”.
A young couple was recently married and the wife was admiring
the husband's very long eyelashes. He told her that his
mother had said that they were very long because he had cried
so much when he was a child.
"Better you should have peed more instead", the wife replied.
The Hokey Pokey
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in..... and then the trouble started.
Blonde GUY joke
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again". If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
Best one I've heard all day. Thank you for making me feel better!!!!!!!
EDIT
I'm still smiling.
"Waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!"
Patient: "My problem is, Doctor, that I just can't get a girlfriend and I don't understand why."
Psychiatrist: "It's probably because you're such a fat slob."
Patient (shocked): "That's the most insulting diagnosis I've ever heard! I demand a second opinion!"
Psychiatrist: "Ok. You're an ugly *&#@ as well."
Q: How does Father Christmas know when he's at a lawyer's house?
A: There's a parking meter on the chimney...
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH THE GODDAMN WALL!"
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?" the man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."
Which famous book from the 1800s was co-written by employees of DinoDirect?
Roget's Thesaurus. :)
Q: How many BLF'ers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to change the bulb, the other nine to advise him how to mod it first 
Q: How many CPF'ers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them, just as soon as SureFire bring out a $200 model 
1 Thank
I asked my wife what she would do if I won the lottery?
A: Take half and then take off! 
I said: I won ten dollars, here's five. Now take off!!!!!
Two women sat together, quietly.
LOL! Great first post. Welcome.