My wife thinks I'm financially naive and gullible. I bet she changes her tune when she finds out I've won the Nigerian lottery.
Back during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to
get a car after you paid for one.
Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car.
He paid the money, and the asked when can he come and get the car.
"It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".
The man signed the papers, started walking away and then stooped,
turned and asked the salesman: "Wait, will it be ready at the
morning or at the afternnon".
"What difference does it make?", asked the salesman.
"Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".
A Russian schoolteacher asks her class for comments about Adam and Eve.
One girl replies that they are Russian.
The teacher asks the girl why she thinks this.
The girl replies, “They have no clothes, no food, and no shelter, but they think they’re in Paradise”.
A young couple was recently married and the wife was admiring
the husband's very long eyelashes. He told her that his
mother had said that they were very long because he had cried
so much when he was a child.
"Better you should have peed more instead", the wife replied.
The Hokey Pokey
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in..... and then the trouble started.
Blonde GUY joke
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again". If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
Best one I've heard all day. Thank you for making me feel better!!!!!!!
EDIT
I'm still smiling.
"Waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!"
Patient: "My problem is, Doctor, that I just can't get a girlfriend and I don't understand why."
Psychiatrist: "It's probably because you're such a fat slob."
Patient (shocked): "That's the most insulting diagnosis I've ever heard! I demand a second opinion!"
Psychiatrist: "Ok. You're an ugly *&#@ as well."
Q: How does Father Christmas know when he's at a lawyer's house?
A: There's a parking meter on the chimney...
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH THE GODDAMN WALL!"
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?" the man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."
Which famous book from the 1800s was co-written by employees of DinoDirect?
Roget's Thesaurus. :)
Q: How many BLF'ers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to change the bulb, the other nine to advise him how to mod it first 
Q: How many CPF'ers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them, just as soon as SureFire bring out a $200 model 
1 Thank
I asked my wife what she would do if I won the lottery?
A: Take half and then take off! 
I said: I won ten dollars, here's five. Now take off!!!!!
Two women sat together, quietly.
LOL! Great first post. Welcome.
Nice joke, Ecosys. Much to my surprise, even my mom liked that one!
By the way, welcome to BLF. I hope you enjoy your stay.
Aloha and welcome to BLF Ecosys!
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories:
"Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?
"Stay the F#$% away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."
1 Thank
Good one
I have two daughters, a wife, and a female dog....can't remember when I last won an argument or had a nap on a weekend afternoon.
that sounds like jeff dunham:)
My heart goes out to you, I have two sons, a wife and a bunch of animals...and can't remember when I last won an argument or had a nap on a weekend afternoon.
It's the tragedy of the Male Condition...we must "Endeavor to persevere."