The Daily Joke Thread

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Lensman
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Q: How many BLF'ers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Ten. One to change the bulb, the other nine to advise him how to mod it first Wink

 

Q: How many CPF'ers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: All of them, just as soon as SureFire bring out a $200 model Tongue Out

edc
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I asked my wife what she would do if I won the lottery?

A: Take half and then take off! Surprised

I said: I won ten dollars, here's five. Now take off!!!!!

 

http://i1193.photobucket.com/albums

Ecosys
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Two women sat together, quietly.

Leelou
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Ecosys wrote:

Two women sat together, quietly.

Laughing 

I like: walks on the beach, sushi and things that are paisley.

FlashPilot
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Ecosys wrote:

Two women sat together, quietly.

LOL! Great first post. Welcome.

raccoon city
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Nice joke, Ecosys.  Much to my surprise, even my mom liked that one!

By the way, welcome to BLF.  I hope you enjoy your stay.

fishinfool
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Aloha and welcome to BLF Ecosys!

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

fishinfool
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories:

"Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?

"Stay the F#$% away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

tbenedict
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Ecosys wrote:

Two women sat together, quietly.

Good one  

I have two daughters, a wife, and a female dog....can't remember when I last won an argument or had a nap on a weekend afternoon.

janko.hrasko
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tbenedict wrote:

Ecosys wrote:

Two women sat together, quietly.

Good one  

I have two daughters, a wife, and a female dog....can't remember when I last won an argument or had a nap on a weekend afternoon.

that sounds like jeff dunham:)

Ecosys
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tbenedict wrote:

Ecosys wrote:

Two women sat together, quietly.

Good one  

I have two daughters, a wife, and a female dog....can't remember when I last won an argument or had a nap on a weekend afternoon.

My heart goes out to you, I have two sons, a wife and a bunch of animals...and can't remember when I last won an argument or had a nap on a weekend afternoon. 

It's the tragedy of the Male Condition...we must "Endeavor to persevere." Laughing

zx3junglist
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The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my
wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I  know, but she has a lovely personality."

VFMaddict
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I wonder how long Conrad Murray will get?   I want to hire him to look after my ex-wife.

"You are making progress if each mistake you make is a new one."

Remember - Most great discoveries start with maki

flashination
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How can you tell if a birthday cake is for a boy or a girl?

The boy's cake has NUTS!Laughing

 

 

 

 

 
 
'I pledge not to get drawn into cpf/blf arguments, & just understand that both places have their own merits'.

John Betong
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Party on Friday Night


I am havíng a party thís Fríday for people who have díffículty achíevíng orgasms. 


Let me know íf you can't come.

Ecosys
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JohnnyMac
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JohnnyMac
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VFMaddict
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John Betong wrote:

Party on Friday Night

I am havíng a party thís Fríday for people who have díffículty achíevíng orgasms.
Let me know íf you can't come.

LOL !!!   Great first post.  Welcome to BLF.Smile

"You are making progress if each mistake you make is a new one."

Remember - Most great discoveries start with maki

flashination
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If your an American in the kitchen & an American in bedroom,

What are your in the bathroom?

Euro-pee-an!

 

 

 

 

 
 
'I pledge not to get drawn into cpf/blf arguments, & just understand that both places have their own merits'.

Vortex
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flashination wrote:

If your an American in the kitchen & an American in bedroom,

What are your in the bathroom?

Euro-pee-an!

Actually it's written European...

VFMaddict
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My wife threatened to leave me yesterday just because I didn't open the car/automobile door for her.

I told her, "I just panicked and swam to the surface."

"You are making progress if each mistake you make is a new one."

Remember - Most great discoveries start with maki

E1320
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby  
English will be the official language of the European Union rather  
than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the  
negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling  
had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan  
that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this  
will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be  
dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and  
keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the  
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like  
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted  
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.  
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have  
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the  
horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it  
should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"  
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords  
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl  
riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find  
it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum  
tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in  
ze forst plas.

I am already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

mazda96hatch
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This is mythical and deep. Truly beautiful...

Five Horses Is Her Name.

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".


The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"


The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...



NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

Ecosys
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     A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

      Driving behind the couple was a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

    Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'

     Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'

     The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..

     'Sure had a big penis, didn't it?'
 

FX-32
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Ecosys wrote:
when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Dude reading this hurts!

mazda96hatch
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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch tv. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?' He said, 'I found the remote'.

FlashPilot
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"Fill it with water" joke. Yeah, you've probably read this one before...

 

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
Uncle Sam (a former civil engineer) asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out-virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

ILIKEFLASHLIGHTS
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This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?’
‘What dear,’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

‘I think you're bad luck.....'
fishinfool
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Ecosys wrote:

     A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

      Driving behind the couple was a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

    Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'

     Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'

     The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..

     'Sure had a big penis, didn't it?'
 

 

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

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