The Daily Joke Thread

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fishinfool
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A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.

On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked !"

 

 

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

ILIKEFLASHLIGHTS
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Husband #11

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him. But now that I've married you, I'm so excited."
“Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"
“You're with the GOVERNMENT! This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

ILIKEFLASHLIGHTS
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The resession has hit everybody really hard

The recession has hit everybody really hard... My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them...

Ecosys
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Funny Jokes...good way to get the day started!  Here's a bad personal ad.

E1320
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Zoo Question

         You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.

  On your right side is a sharp drop off,

And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as
you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is
unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the
Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?

See answer below.

 

 


Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

I am already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

fishinfool
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "
Thank you very much. That was wonderful but LISTEN VERY, VERY closely....."

"A R E – M Y – T E S T – R E S U L T S – B A C K?”

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

edc
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http://i1193.photobucket.com/albums

VFMaddict
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"You are making progress if each mistake you make is a new one."

Remember - Most great discoveries start with maki

fishinfool
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A blonde and a brunette were riding in an elevator.

The blonde decided to try to be friendly. She looked at the brunette and, with a big smile, said "T.G.I.F.!"

The brunette looked at her for a couple of seconds and then replied "S.H.I.T."

The blonde was taken aback for a minute or so, but then tried again. With her perkiest smile she repeated "T.G.I.F!!"

The brunette again replied "S.H.I.T"

The blonde thought for a minute and realized that the brunette might not be familiar with the expression. So in her friendliest tone she said,
"T.G.I.F. - Thank Goodness It's Friday! Get it?"

The brunette looked back and calmly stated:

 

"S.H.I.T. - Sorry Honey, It's Thursday!"

 

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

E1320
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Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local
policeman.
Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his
concealed
carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CHL permit. Are you carrying
today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a
9mm semi-auto
in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a 12 gage shotgun. That's
about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damn thing..."

I am already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

FX-32
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For those that don't understand Ohm's Law, this is funny and true:

scubaduderon
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A lady walks into a tattoo parlor, and she asks the artist "Can do a realistic likeness of my 2 favorite boxers, Mohamed Ali and Mike Tyson, one on each thigh?".

He says, "Sure, and I'll bet you the cost of the tattoo that you will recognize them when I'm done!" She agrees.

After the tattoo is done the artist stands back and says "See lady, they are almost like photo's." Looking down she says "No way, I can't even tell who they are and I know who they are supposed to be!" Astounded, the artist says "Well, we don't agree, so lets ask someone off the street and if he can tell who they are, if he can, you pay me." She agrees once again.

So the artist goes out and brings a guy in and asks, "Can you tell me who those guys are?

So the fellow stares and stares a bit, scratching his chin, trying to figure it out.

Finally he says, "Well, I don't know who the guy on the left or the right are, but the one in the middle is Don King!"

 

BlueBeam
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Since this is the joke thread.............

Wait For It..........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...........DinoDirect............





E1320
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

        Doctor: "What happened?"
        Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every time my husband comes  
home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes  
home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in  
your mouth.  Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to  
bed and is asleep."
Two weeks  later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came  
home drunk, I swished with sweet tea.  I  swished and swished, and he  
didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"


I am already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

kragmutt
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E1320 wrote:

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

        Doctor: "What happened?"
        Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every time my husband comes  
home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes  
home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in  
your mouth.  Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to  
bed and is asleep."
Two weeks  later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came  
home drunk, I swished with sweet tea.  I  swished and swished, and he  
didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"


Lol this fits the quote you have at the bottom of your posts.

E1320
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kragmutt wrote:

E1320 wrote:

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

        Doctor: "What happened?"
        Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every time my husband comes  
home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes  
home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in  
your mouth.  Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to  
bed and is asleep."
Two weeks  later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came  
home drunk, I swished with sweet tea.  I  swished and swished, and he  
didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"


Lol this fits the quote you have at the bottom of your posts.

Coincidence I swear Smile

I am already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

makapuu
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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

r1derbike
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What do Quasar TVs and women have in common?

*They both have their works in a drawer*

Ecosys
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Sweetheart,
 
I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights.
 
I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something.
 
I realize that I was wrong and I'm apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy.
 
All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season.
 
Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights!
 
I took the time to hang the lights for you today and now I'll be off to the golf course.
 
Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday.
 
I'll be home later.
 
Love you!