The Daily Joke Thread

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MRsDNF
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Location: A light beam away from the missus in the land of Aus.

10 out of 10 jtc. I like em. Thumbs Up

My current and or voltage measurements are only relevent to anything that I measure.

Budget light hobby proudly sponsored by my Mastercard and unknowingly paid for by a hard working wife. 

djozz said "it came with chinese lettering that is chinese to me".

old4570 said "I'm not an expert , so don't suffer from any such technical restrictions".

Old-Lumens. Highly admired and cherished member of Budget Light Forum. 11.5.2011 - 20.12.16. RIP.

 

jacktheclipper
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Police: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it!

jacktheclipper
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I was assaulted by a group of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

hIKARInoob
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jacktheclipper wrote:
Police: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now? Man: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it!

Good stuff man. You remind me of Rodney Dangerfield. Respect!

hIKARInoob
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Do you know why there are so many female archaeologists?
==> They love diggin’ up the past.

flashination
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1. What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

2. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

3. I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

4. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.

5. What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? A reprimand from the Scientific Integrity and Professional Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

6. Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation.

7. A German asks for a martini. “Dry?” says the bartender. “Nein, just one.”

8. Two women walk into a bar and discuss the Bechdel test.

9. Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings. Pavlov gasps, “Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs”.

10. How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

11. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

 

 

 

 

 
 
'I pledge not to get drawn into cpf/blf arguments, & just understand that both places have their own merits'.

jacktheclipper
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A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

jacktheclipper
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My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

jacktheclipper
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Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

jacktheclipper
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My late grandad used to only tell people what they wanted to hear.

Awesome man, terrible doctor.

hIKARInoob
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My wife asked me to get something that would make her sexy.
So I got drunk.

Stockton-Rob
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Kid with Parkinson’s walks up to an ice cream van….

“can I have an ice cream please mister”

“course you can son, what flavour would you like?”

“doesn’t really matter coz I’m gonna drop it anyways”

What?

WHAT??

and the lord did utter….‘let there be light’……..and CREE said ‘how much?’

Ronin42
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jacktheclipper wrote:

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
“Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.” “But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that shit.”

OMG I laughed so hard

(“It’s good that most people can’t remember their previous lives. Otherwise
things would be a lot more complicated than they already are.”
Ajaan Lee Dhammadharo)

jacktheclipper
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DIET DAY 1.

I have removed all the bad food from my home.

It was delicious.

jacktheclipper
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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

jacktheclipper
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Don’t put all my eggs in one basket?

Nice try, basket industry.

hIKARInoob
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My ex-girlfriend sent me a text message two days after we broke up saying I can delete her number.
I replied: “Who’s this?”

jacktheclipper
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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face.

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the
cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

hIKARInoob
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Speaking of my ex-girlfriend, last week she opened the car door for me.
We were going 50 mph.

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My 9 yr old son has been telling these…

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

How did the chewing gum get across the road?

On the chickens foot.

He was telling them at his grandfather’s funeral, believe it or not, and he was a great success. Go figure. Kid makes people laugh at a funeral and he’s a genius. I make people laugh at a funeral and I’m in a box.

Dale

jacktheclipper
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Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog,” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

“That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” said the owner, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

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+1

(“It’s good that most people can’t remember their previous lives. Otherwise
things would be a lot more complicated than they already are.”
Ajaan Lee Dhammadharo)

jacktheclipper
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On the chest of a barmaid at Yale…
Were tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

jacktheclipper
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A man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here!”

The man says, “But this is a Seeing Eye dog!”

“Well, OK, then I guess it can stay.”

After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they’re going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says, “The bartender won’t like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it’s a Seeing Eye dog and then it’ll be OK.” The second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a fews seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in.

The bartender says, “Hey! You can’t bring that Chihuahua in here!”

Man stares straight ahead and exclaims, “What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!”
tatasal
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Ronin42 wrote:
jacktheclipper wrote:

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
“Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.” “But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that shit.”

OMG I laughed so hard

+1, It aggravated my sore throat..

DB Custom
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I say nominate the Lab for politics, he’d fit right in and make big money in the process…

Dale

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Ok stop me if you’ve heard this one!!

Paddy (the Irishman) and his heavily pregnant wife, she’s having twins, are in a serious car accident and are both in a coma, during the coma, Missus Paddy has the babies, a boy and a girl.

3 months pass, and Missus Paddy comes out of the coma, and immediately wants to know about her babies:

“they’re fine Missus Paddy, you had a boy and a girl, both doing great”

“where are they?, I’d like to see them”

They’re alseep, I’ll bring them in when they wake up”

“So I had a boy and a girl eh….I’ll have to name them”

“oh that’s been taken care of, you’re brother named them”

“My brother, oh he’s thicker than the thickest thicko ever………ah well, so what did he name the wee girl?”

“Denise”

“oh ok, what did he name the boy?”

“De nephew”

and the lord did utter….‘let there be light’……..and CREE said ‘how much?’

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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

Learn sign language, it’s very handy.

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

With great power, comes great electricity bills.

καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

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I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

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(I’m the parts manager for a body shop that specializes in high-end cars. My shop is contracted to do all the warranty work for several dealerships in the area. I have just returned to work after taking sick leave and am still getting my head back in the game.)

Me: “I know that you can get custom nameplates for your vehicles, but since when does Land Rover provide them?”

Estimator: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I just got our shipment and these came in for that Discovery you’re dealing with, the one with the new hatchback.”

Estimator: “And?”

Me: holding up two packages, each with a pre-arranged series of letters ready to put on the vehicle “I’ve never seen anyone so proud of their hobbies. I mean, who would put “VERY DISCO” on their car?”

(My coworker reaches over and swaps the packages around so I can see that they combine to spell “DISCOVERY.”)

Me: “…I’ve been sick.”

Source
https://notalwaysworking.com/a-shocking-discovery/48406

The Journal of Alternative Facts TM

"It is critical that there is a credible academic source for the growing and important discipline of alternative facts. This field of study will just keep winning, and we knew that all the best people would want to be on board. There is a real risk in the world today that people might be getting their information about science from actual scientists"

 

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