The Daily Joke Thread

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Photonica
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My girlfriend said I’m a lousy lover.

I don’t know how she can judge me based on 30 seconds of work.

More Photons!

Bwana
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My sister-in-law sat on my new glasses and broke them

It was sort of my fault , I should have taken them off first !

xevious
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turkeydance
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well, i liked hamedshh’s surrealistic joke translations,
but my new favorite is xevious since i understand
some of what is going on, but it’s funnier if i don’t.

here is a surreal one i copied:

why did the dragon go camping?
what else is he supposed to do?

vwpieces
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xevious
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When the quarantine has been too long, and peppers start taking on a different meaning.

Btw, someone is selling SEEDS on Amazon.

Boaz
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   Our house got TP'd last night.

 The realtor says it's now worth half a million more.

 

 

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

Boaz
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My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two girlfriends.

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

Rexlion
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Location: Okla.

Two guys rent a rowboat at the lake and go fishing. They row around most of the day trying different spots, without much luck. Finally they find a cove where the fish are really biting, but it’s late afternoon and the boat has to be back at the dock by 5:00.
The first guy says to his buddy, “I sure wish there were some way we could mark this spot so we can find it again tomorrow.”
The second guy thinks a minute, then whips out a pen and makes an X on the gunwale.
The first guy shakes his head in disgust. “You really expect that to work? Stop and think: what are the odds that we’ll get the same boat next time?”

NeutralFan
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I’d rather use my flashlight around the house than turn on the lights.

Suncoaster
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Location: Where the girls are green and the grass is pretty.

Tested out my new noise canceling headphones today while vacuuming the house.
Did 2 thirds of the house before the wife taped me on the shoulder to inform me the vacuum wasn’t turned on.

"In the land of the blond the one eyed man is king."

*This message is protected with ROT26 encryption.Old Lumens

lampliter
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The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position.
On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances,” he explains.
“Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The man is horrified, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!”
“Well,” says the proctor, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”
The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances,” the proctor explains.
“Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room.
After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes.
“I wanted to do it I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”
Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun.
“We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”
The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she’s fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing.
Suddenly, all goes quiet.
The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, “Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”

It's only true if you believe it.

Bwana
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Two women were sitting quietly on a park bench minding their own business

vwpieces
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Haha, took me bout 5 seconds to get it. First thought was you didn’t finish the joke.

turkeydance
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well, i’ve washed my hands so many times
that i can now see 5th grade test answers.

Bwana
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Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench

The first one asks – – Do you still get horny sometimes ?

The second old lady replies – Yes I do

The first then asks – well what do you do when you feel like that ?

The second replies – I just suck on a life saver

After a brief hesitation the first one asks – But who drives you to the beach ?

slmjim
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Location: Derby City - Home of The Louisville Slugger

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

 

 

slmjim

Great... Carnac the Magnificent tells me I just signed up for yet another expensive hobby.

Smile! It makes others wonder what you've been up to.

Henk4U2
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Two old guys sitting on a bench in the garden of Almost There Mansion. Says the first: “when we were enlisted, did you ever hear rumors about them doing something in our food to lower our temperament”? Says the second: “what about it”. Says the first: “I think it’s finally kicking in”.

You are a flashaholic if you are forced to come out of the closet, to make room for more flashlights.

lampliter
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Two ladies were standing on opposite sides of the Erie Canal; one yelled across to the other; how do I get to the other side; the other yelled back; you are on the other side. Davie

It's only true if you believe it.

Boaz
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tough choice...

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

Dave C
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

A fsh.

raccoon city
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video_game 

xevious
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One of the best old-time comedians around, Jerry Stiller, has passed on. So sad to see him go, but at least he had a nice final chapter revival to his career (Seinfeld, King of Queens).

Bwana
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What do you call a flashlight company that doesn’t ship your orders ?

Sofirn !

xevious
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Chatika vas Paus
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I just had to do it

Helios azimuth
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Got this in an email about ridiculous headlines, so I do not know the source:
………

And I rely on spellcheck??
Cheers

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
———————

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that’s taking things a bit far! —————————————————————————————-

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy! ———————————————————————————————-

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Those good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
———————————————————————————

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial! —————————————————————————————

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!
————————————————————————————————

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile — Ya think?! ———————————————————————————————————-

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought! ————————————————————————————————

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
————————————————————————————————————

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape? —————————————————————————————

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge! ———————————————————————

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren’t they fat enough?!
———————————————————————-

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That’s what he gets for eating those beans! ———————— ————————————————-

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half — Chainsaw Massacre all over again! ***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall! *******************************************

And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
Zappaman
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A coybow is riding his horse way out west, down the lonely trail when he comes upon an indian man going the other way. When they get close, the indian slows to a stop and eyes a brand new Winchester rifle in the cowboy’s scabbard.

Staring at the shiny engraving and fine walnut finish the indian finally looks up and says, “that is a very fine gun you have there.” The coyboy smiled and said, “thanks! …I just got it for my wife today.”

The Indian rubbed his chin for a few seconds then said… “good trade.”

ZappaMan

Lightbringer
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Nothing yet about the cowbow?

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

Zappaman
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He rode off into the sunset of course Wink

ZappaMan

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