The Daily Joke Thread

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T.H.Cone
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Telman2 wrote:
One to change the battery and to post that the battery has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing batteries and how the battery could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing batteries.
One to move it to the battery section.
Two to argue, then move it to the Flashlight section.
Seven to point out spelling/ grammar errors in posts about changing batteries.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling and grammar of the flamers.
Six to argue over whether it's "batteries" or "batterys", another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "cell".
Fifteen know it alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "battery" is perfectly correct.
Nineteen to post that this forum is not about "batteries" and to please take this discussion to a "battery" forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use batteries and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing batteries is superior, where to buy the best batteries, what brand of battery work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different batteries.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes batteries relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "+1".
Two to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the battery controversy.
Five to say, "Didn't we go through this already a few months ago?"
Nine to say, "Do a Google search on batteries before posting questions about batteries".
One forum lurker to respond to the original post eight months from now and start it all over again.

 

+1 Silly

fidem, prae caeteris omnibus praeter honestatem

 

 

Don't be confused, my Username has been changed from "Cone" to "T.H.Cone".  I'm still the same clown.

fishinfool
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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

 

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

 

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!" 

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

edc
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RETIRED HUSBAND
 
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.   
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.   Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
 
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
 
Dear Mrs. Harris,
 
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
 
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
 
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
 
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
 
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
 
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
 
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
 
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
 
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
 
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible'
theme.
 
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
 
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
 
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
 
And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

http://i1193.photobucket.com/albums

fishinfool
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Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

 

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts!  I mean I fart ALL the FREAKIN' time!"

 

The Doctor nods, "Hmmmmm."

 

Patient, "The thing is that my farts don't stink and you can't hear them either. It's just that I fart all the goddamn time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted at least five times already. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

 

"Hmmmmm," says the Doctor,

 

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

 

The patient is thrilled "Great Doc! This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

 

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is for some medicine to clear out your sinuses and next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

Telman2
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While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kidding me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left...

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day.............. cupcake

You're never too old to learn something stupid.


BetweenRides
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cone wrote:

Telman2 wrote:
One to change the battery and to post that the battery has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing batteries and how the battery could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing batteries.
One to move it to the battery section.
Two to argue, then move it to the Flashlight section.
Seven to point out spelling/ grammar errors in posts about changing batteries.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling and grammar of the flamers.
Six to argue over whether it's "batteries" or "batterys", another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "cell".
Fifteen know it alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "battery" is perfectly correct.
Nineteen to post that this forum is not about "batteries" and to please take this discussion to a "battery" forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use batteries and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing batteries is superior, where to buy the best batteries, what brand of battery work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different batteries.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes batteries relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "+1".
Two to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the battery controversy.
Five to say, "Didn't we go through this already a few months ago?"
Nine to say, "Do a Google search on batteries before posting questions about batteries".
One forum lurker to respond to the original post eight months from now and start it all over again.

 

+1 Silly

+2  and you misspelled a word and why no links? Wink

Good post, telman2 

kreisler
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Telman2 wrote:
.. cupcake

cupcake is a muffin? a cake? :quest: then i dont understand..

thanks for the wonderful jokes!! i read them all Big Smile

*FMI* i got 4 i/o sh
BetweenRides
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cupcake in this sense is a term of endearment, like sweety or honey. Now you get it? Smile

kreisler
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BetweenRides wrote:

cupcake in this sense is a term of endearment, like sweety or honey. Now you get it? Smile

eeouw!

Oops

*FMI* i got 4 i/o sh
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July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom

LMAO!!! Big Smile

kreisler
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fishinfool wrote:
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

fishinfool that's a great one!

*FMI* i got 4 i/o sh
Dimlux
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Telman2 wrote:
One to change the battery and to post that the battery has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing batteries and how the battery could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing batteries.
One to move it to the battery section.
Two to argue, then move it to the Flashlight section.
Seven to point out spelling/ grammar errors in posts about changing batteries.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling and grammar of the flamers.
Six to argue over whether it's "batteries" or "batterys", another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "cell".
Fifteen know it alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "battery" is perfectly correct.
Nineteen to post that this forum is not about "batteries" and to please take this discussion to a "battery" forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use batteries and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing batteries is superior, where to buy the best batteries, what brand of battery work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different batteries.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes batteries relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "+1".
Two to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the battery controversy.
Five to say, "Didn't we go through this already a few months ago?"
Nine to say, "Do a Google search on batteries before posting questions about batteries".
One forum lurker to respond to the original post eight months from now and start it all over again.

 

So much win :bigsmile:

fishinfool
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kreisler wrote:

fishinfool wrote:
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

fishinfool that's a great one!

 

Thanks!  It's one of my faves and everytime I hear an ice cream truck I laugh.

 

BTW, love the pic!

 

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

russthetoolman
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There is a cure for cancer.

It is found in the tears of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't cry......

fishinfool
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." 

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

 

 

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

 

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the BITCH in the kitchen."

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

Boaz
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Smile  ..

 

hi my name is Boaz and I have a flashlight addiction ...I like camping, handbags,long walks on the beach  and paisley.  I'm interested in making new friends and  websites with lots of hello kitty.

Friendship is like a sunny day .........I'm also passionate about ....lots ....and ...lots ....of......Dots ... 

 

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

fishinfool
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Boaz wrote:

Smile  ..

hi my name is Boaz and I have a flashlight addiction ...I like camping, handbags,long walks on the beach  and paisley.  I'm interested in making new friends and  websites with lots of hello kitty.

Friendship is like a sunny day .........I'm also passionate about ....lots ....and ...lots ....of......Dots ... 

 

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

 

               Good one Boaz!

 

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

Telman2
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Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

You're never too old to learn something stupid.


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Telman2 wrote:

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

LOL!
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Doctors have recently discovered that saliva causes stomach cancer but only when swallowed in small amounts over a period of years.

Telman2
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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in and then the trouble started.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.


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:bigsmile: You're on a roll, Telman!

Telman2
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BetweenRides wife thinks he's financially naive and gullible.   I bet she changes her tune when she finds out he won the Nigerian lottery.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.


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A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

 

“Just where the heck do you think you're going?” said the man.

 

“I'm going to Las Vegas”, said the wife, “I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!”

 

The man said, “Wait a minute!”, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

 

“Where the heck are you going?” said the wife.

 

The man said, “I just want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!”

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

Telman2
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A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Italian from New Jersey fumed, "What’s with those jerks, we’re waiting fifteen minutes between shots!"

The Indian doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!’

The Chinese businessman called out, ‘Move it, time is money!’

The Catholic priest said, ‘Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. Excuse me, sir said the priest, ‘What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’

The greens keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.’

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’

The Indian doctor said, ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything that he might be able to do for them.’

The Chinese businessman replied, ‘I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!’

The Italian from New Jersey said, ‘Why the hell can’t they play at night?

You're never too old to learn something stupid.


fishinfool
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Telman2 wrote:

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Italian from New Jersey fumed, "What’s with those jerks, we’re waiting fifteen minutes between shots!"

The Indian doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!’

The Chinese businessman called out, ‘Move it, time is money!’

The Catholic priest said, ‘Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. Excuse me, sir said the priest, ‘What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’

The greens keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.’

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’

The Indian doctor said, ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything that he might be able to do for them.’

The Chinese businessman replied, ‘I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!’

The Italian from New Jersey said, ‘Why the hell can’t they play at night?

 

 

       Good one Telman!


 

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

Telman2
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Back during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to get a car after you paid for one.

Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car. He paid the money, and the asked when can he come and get the car.

"It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".

The man signed the papers, started walking away and then stooped, turned and asked the salesman: "Wait, will it be ready in the morning or in the afternoon"?

"What difference does it make", asked the salesman.

"Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".

You're never too old to learn something stupid.


fishinfool
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Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she isn’t wearing any panties.

 

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my hoohah?"

 

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

 

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow you a kiss." Sure enough the hoohah blows him a kiss.

 

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder hoohah can do.

 

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the hoohah winks at him.

 

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat next to her. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in it?"

 

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

 

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

kreisler
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fishinfool wrote:
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in it?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

dang it's early in the morning and now i am having a ***er!

*FMI* i got 4 i/o sh
raccoon city
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Joined: 10/06/2010 - 02:35
Posts: 14663
Location: रॅकून सिटी Palm Desert CA USA

kreisler wrote:

fishinfool wrote:
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in it?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

dang it's early in the morning and now i am having a ***er!

If kreisler has a ***er, I bet dinoboy has a lady ***er!

dinoboy

(Is that a tail between your legs or are you just happy to see me?)   Smile

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