The Daily Joke Thread

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kreisler
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raccoon city wrote:
(Is that a tail between your legs or are you just happy to see me?)   Smile

*FMI* i got 4 i/o sh
hyde
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undressing at the gym, Bill looks over,

"Hey Bob, since when did you start wearing womens underwear?!?"

"Since my wife found a pair in the glove compartment of my truck"

Telman2
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A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone’s attention.

“Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?” he asks.


“What’s he look like?” asks one shoddy looking cowboy.


“Well”, replies the Sheriff, “he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket.”


“So what’s he wanted for?” asks the same cowboy.


"Rustlin".

You're never too old to learn something stupid.


scaru
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In his 6th grade class, the teacher asked how many students were Obama fans? 


Wanting to make their teacher happy, every student raised their hands all except little Johnny. 

The teacher asked Johnny why he wanted to be different? 

Little Johnny explained that he wasn't an Obama fan. 

The teacher asked him why he wasn't an Obama fan? 

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm a Libertarian". 

The teacher asked him why he was a Libertarian? 

Little Johnny told the teacher that his mom was a Libertarian and his dad was a Libertarian and that is why he is a Libertarian. 

The teacher asked Johnny, if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would you be? 

Little Johnny smiled and said, "Then I'd be an Obama fan".

scaru
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A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural  Kentucky . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. 


The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. 

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" 

"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. 

"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States ?" 

"Yep." 


"Were there any survivors?" 

"Nope. They's all died straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." 

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. 

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies...

Smile

Ecosys
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Mensa Invitational Winners

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration ;(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

fishinfool
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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

 

"Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

 

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

 

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

 

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

scaru
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Nice fishinfool! 

Ledsmoke
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@ fishinfool

Bwa ha hah ha ha har!

That was a good one Smile

~ Ledsmoke ~

Dutch humor:

[quote=djozz]

 I do not think that the BLF-community ben

fishinfool
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Thanks guys!

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

T.H.Cone
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That was so funny, fishinfool, that I even mailed it to my wife. 

fidem, prae caeteris omnibus praeter honestatem

 

 

Don't be confused, my Username has been changed from "Cone" to "T.H.Cone".  I'm still the same clown.

fishinfool
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cone wrote:

That was so funny, fishinfool, that I even mailed it to my wife. 

 

Thanks!  I have a collection of hundreds of jokes that I have collected over years so this thread will be staying current for a very long time.

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

fishinfool
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An old cowboy sat down at the diner and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

scaru
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Nice! 

scaru
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How come mexico doesn't compete in the olympics?

scaru
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...Cause everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already in the US. Smile

Here another is: 

A guy wearing an expensive three piece suit is approached by an armed thug as he walks down a street in Washington D.C. . The thug put's his gun in the mans's ribs and states "Give me you money." The well dressed man replies "Don't you know who I am? I'm a US congressman." At that point the thug replies "In that case, give me my money!"

scaru
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I have a 10 page document of my favorite jokes. Smile 

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Nice one fishinfool.

scaru
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I went to a coworker's house for dinner the other day. I had worked with him for awhile, but it was the first time I got to meet his little girl. She was adorable, and as I like kids I got to chatting with her. She was only 7 but smart as a whip. So I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said President. I looked at her parents, they beemed with pride. 
I asked her what she would to help the country? She said with a big smile that she was going to give the poor lots of money so they aren't poor anymore. Again her parents beemed with pride. Knowing her parents were very liberal democrats I decided to make an offer to their daughter.
I told her she didn't have to wait to until she was president to help the poor. She got excited and asked really? I said yes, I have a lot of yard work to be done, and if she wanted to come over and do it for me I would pay her 50 dollars, but after I paid her, before I brought her home I would take her buy the liquor store where the town bum likes to hang out and beg, and she can give the money she earned to him. 

She mulled this over and finally said, why doesn't he just come over and earn the 50 dollars by doing your yard work?
I beemed with pride and said Welcome to the Republican Party.....I went home hungry.

Edit: Not a true story. 

fishinfool
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Good one scaru.  Here's another joke:

**********************************************

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when a wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die.' Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Georgia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with black hair. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle.

He unbuttoned his shirt as he went, one button at a time, locking eyes with her. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped....

Then, he spoke, 'Here, iron this and then get me a beer.'

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

scaru
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Nice! 

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? 
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. 
--Conan O'Brien 

scaru
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scaru
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scaru
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A man was driving his Ford pickup truck in VA, headed toward DC. He ran into a massive traffic jam that extended for miles, as far as the eye could see.

He got out of the truck and saw a man walking toward him and decided to inquire about the situation.

Ford guy: What happened?

Walking guy: Terrorists have taken over the WH and Congress. They are threatening to douse them all in gasoline and burn them alive unless they receive 100 million dollars ransom. We are taking up a collection to help.

Ford guy: What’s the average donation? How much is everyone else chipping in?

Walking guy: About a gallon, each!

scaru
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Young Couple at Heaven's Gates

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. “What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a Priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a Lawyer?"
scaru
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 1984, a great book; and an accurate prediction. . Smile

scaru
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Come on guys! I need to laugh too!

Ecosys
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I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement". Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, Crap, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left..

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

jacktheclipper
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 Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
 The girl said, NO!
 And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

scaru
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@Jack: Nice, sounds true. 

@Ecosys: 

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