Since this is the joke thread.............
Wait For It..........
...........DinoDirect............
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in
your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to
bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came
home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he
didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
1 Thank
Lol this fits the quote you have at the bottom of your posts.
Coincidence I swear :)
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
What do Quasar TVs and women have in common?
*They both have their works in a drawer*
Sweetheart,
I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights.
I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something.
I realize that I was wrong and I'm apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy.
All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season.
Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights!
I took the time to hang the lights for you today and now I'll be off to the golf course.
Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday.
I'll be home later.
Love you!
Awww I can't see the pic...
edit: LOL I see it now. I should do that hehe.
WHO IS JACK SCHITT
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with !
when I was a kid I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
II went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. ....I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to ..." get off the couch."
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I met a girl ...she was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
My wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen to watch the roaches hang themselves.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the f..k up"!
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, "all kids smell that way".
Yesterday I bought a flashlight ....Today I get no respect
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
A blonde went to the doctor, as she was feeling queasy and nauseous.
The doctor ran some tests, and later called her to tell her she was pregnant.
The blonde said, "Are you sure it's mine?"
How do you get a blonde to marry you ?
Tell her she's pregnant .
*A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman---*
*He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.*
*The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'*
*'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it...'*
*The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?* *'What's so special about it?'*
*The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' *
*The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'*
*Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'*
*The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'*
*The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.' *
The Vanilla pudding Robbery
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers,
who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash &
valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout
the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At
least we'll have a bit to eat.'
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened..
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline
read:
'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....
My absolute favorite story is this -
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so 'profound'
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One
student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in
the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member
of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of
these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they
are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my
Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you",
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows
that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving
only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains
why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story
( I must admit, it's pretty good)
We always hear 'the rules' From the female side
Now here are the rules from the male side
These are our rules!
Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1.. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. ( This one is my personal favorite )
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, sex, cars, hooters, or tools.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Straight IS a shape! Flat IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
A lady and her husband were at a funeral home, after the death of her mother.
The undertaker asked the lady if she wished her mother's remains cremated, interred, or frozen.
The lady was so distraught she asked her husband to decide.
He said, "You better do all three...I don't want to take any chances".
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You have a drink called Larry?"
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender looks up and says.... "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
30 years ago a friend of mine told that joke except it was a white horse called Arnold. My friend has been known as Arnie ever since.