The Daily Joke Thread

A 15 year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy ask, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator before) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

Just then, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into the small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number.... and then the numbers began to light up in reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a stunning 24 year old blond woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

"Go get your Mother."

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH - Copied from an email that was sent to me, from a Native Texan. - (some of these I have actually learned living here in TX).


A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.


There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.


If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.


Onced and Twiced are words.


It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!


Jawl-P? means, Did you all go to the bathroom?


People actually grow,eat and like okra.


Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that.


There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.


Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.


Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.


The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'


You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.


You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.


Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.


All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.


You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.


You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.


The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.


Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss(first name) or Mr.(first name)


You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.


You know what a hissy fit is..


Fried catfish is the other white meat.


We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Texas_Annexation

Maybe we made a mistake annexing texas .:P

Good stuff, Old! Grew up in Georgia, most of them sayins is gospel to a southern boy.

Did you hear the one about the Irish acid bath murderer?

He lost his arm pulling the plug out!

A man and a small boy arrive at the edge of the woods. After getting out of his van the man takes the boy by the hand and they begin walking into the woods.

As they are walking the sun begins to go down and the woods get darker and darker. Further still they walk into the woods. It's getting darker and darker and very creepy. They continue walking, each squeezing the other's hand a little tighter at each strange sound and eerie shadow.

Eventually, after quite some distance, they reach a point where they can take the fear any longer. The little boy jumps in fright at the latest unexplained sound and says to the man, "Gee, mister, it sure is scary in here!"

The man looks around at the surroundings then looks down at the boy. "You think you're scared?", he says. "I'm the one that has to walk out of here all alone."

That's Hitchcock-esque. Creepy.

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited...

LMAO! So true!!!

After 20 Years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and the throat of her neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his had on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this time, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop"?

He replied, "I found the remote".

Classic!

In ancient Greece (469-399 B.C.), Socrates was widely esteemed for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's call the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple Filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "before you talke to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is the filter of Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is the truth?"

"No," the man replied, "actually, I just now heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "so you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary...." replied the man.

"So," Socrates continued, you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, probably not."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

That one was deep. :)

(That's what she said. Heehee.)

Triple filter test works only about 99% of the times

And is where most "professionals" make their money.

It certainly is what I get paid (very, very badly) for.

After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"

Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"

God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."

Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

Apologies in advance to any Detroit based forumites!

On a flight getting ready to depart from Chicago to Detroit, Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, shuddering in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to Detroit. There's crazy people there; they've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools and the highest crime rate of any major U.S. city."

Jack replied: "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place to live as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed a bit, stopped shaking and said: "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Sorry ...

Silly Sally was walking through central park at 2AM when a man jumped out of the busches with a gun and demanded that Sally take off all her clothes.....

BUT Sally just laughed and laughed .... She knew her clothes would never fit that man .

Man receives a telegram: Wife dead - should she be buried or cremated?


Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes.