The Daily Joke Thread

A man and a small boy arrive at the edge of the woods. After getting out of his van the man takes the boy by the hand and they begin walking into the woods.

As they are walking the sun begins to go down and the woods get darker and darker. Further still they walk into the woods. It's getting darker and darker and very creepy. They continue walking, each squeezing the other's hand a little tighter at each strange sound and eerie shadow.

Eventually, after quite some distance, they reach a point where they can take the fear any longer. The little boy jumps in fright at the latest unexplained sound and says to the man, "Gee, mister, it sure is scary in here!"

The man looks around at the surroundings then looks down at the boy. "You think you're scared?", he says. "I'm the one that has to walk out of here all alone."

That's Hitchcock-esque. Creepy.

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited...

LMAO! So true!!!

After 20 Years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and the throat of her neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his had on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this time, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop"?

He replied, "I found the remote".

Classic!

In ancient Greece (469-399 B.C.), Socrates was widely esteemed for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's call the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple Filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "before you talke to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is the filter of Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is the truth?"

"No," the man replied, "actually, I just now heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "so you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary...." replied the man.

"So," Socrates continued, you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, probably not."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

That one was deep. :)

(That's what she said. Heehee.)

Triple filter test works only about 99% of the times

And is where most "professionals" make their money.

It certainly is what I get paid (very, very badly) for.

After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"

Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"

God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."

Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

Apologies in advance to any Detroit based forumites!

On a flight getting ready to depart from Chicago to Detroit, Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, shuddering in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to Detroit. There's crazy people there; they've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools and the highest crime rate of any major U.S. city."

Jack replied: "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place to live as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed a bit, stopped shaking and said: "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Sorry ...

Silly Sally was walking through central park at 2AM when a man jumped out of the busches with a gun and demanded that Sally take off all her clothes.....

BUT Sally just laughed and laughed .... She knew her clothes would never fit that man .

Man receives a telegram: Wife dead - should she be buried or cremated?


Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes.


A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to toe.

A doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably don't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but I'm afraid your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in available insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It costs roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man immediately perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and go for a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had 9 inches before and you decide to only invest in 5 inches now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor returns the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man, "We're getting granite counter tops in the kitchen."

Yo' mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks at roadmaps she sees people waving at her!

Banned from Walmart

Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Walmart.

I like that joke Don!

A classic, Don. To go along with it, here's something for your viewing (dis)pleasure:

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/photos/

Be careful, it can be very addictive in a weird sort of way...