Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver... Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!
Just in time for Mother's Day:
Alternate Histories
"So their universe wouldn't have the iconic photo of a screaming Truman being hoisted aloft by the newspaper-printing machinery..."
I… don’t get it.
Anyhoo, “alternate history” that I do like:
Man: before we go any further, we must agree upon which stopword we will use.
Woman: stop!
If she'd lived in Flagstaff (elevation 6,903 feet), Cruella de Vil would only have needed 89 dalmatians for her coat.
Look… it’s Moth Man!
Haha but usually use another word 
Swimming
“You don't know how high above you the sky goes, but you're not freaking out about that." "Well, NOW I am!"
Just remember that a shark big enough to tear you apart violently can swim in water up to your knees. 
But if all those so ripped apart would’ve had a Klarus flashlight with tactical strobe, they’d still be alive today.
I like that xkcd touch of the little umbrella at the bottom and the octopus moving to check it out.
Now that you mention it, it might be a red and white Umbrella Corporation umbrella!
…probably…
Today I read an article that all dogs have a muscle they use to create the famous sad puppy look. Intentionally, as in wanting to share an emotion. Wolves don’t have that muscle.