A classic, Don. To go along with it, here's something for your viewing (dis)pleasure:
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/photos/
Be careful, it can be very addictive in a weird sort of way...
Half an hour later, I see what you mean.
Now should that be :) or :( or a puking smiley?
It's complicated, that should cover it.
An Okie and a Texan were fishing and drinking beer on the Red River bridge when they both decided they needed to relieve themselves.
As they took a leak over the edge of the bridge, the Texan says "Man, that water is cold."
The Okie responded, "And deep too."
That was friggin' funny as hell Don! Thanks for the early morning laugh. It's a great way to wake up to in the morning.
Gunpowder
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Yo' mama's so stupid, it takes her an hour to make minute rice!
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Sir, did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
After that, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, obese, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it's a rule here that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.
"May I help you sir?" she says.
The man slaps his membership card and key on the counter and yells, "Here is my membership card and key, and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen here lady, I'm 58 years old; I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."
Two cannibals eating a clown, one turns to the other and says - "Does this taste funny to you?"
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
We were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
Drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
Right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
To me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
Something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
Making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
Thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
Grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
Scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
The house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
Grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
Lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
Boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
Downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
Garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
Would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
Into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
Anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
Stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started.......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
Home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
To go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
Me and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
The Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
Your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
:D :bigsmile: :party:
Some of those hit a little to closet to home. I am, however, sending them to my wife right now.
" My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........"
Classic! LMAO! Reminds me of another...
The wife was getting dressed for a party and trying to figure what to wear. She said to me, "does this dress make me look fat?". I replied, "nah...your ass makes you look fat". That's when the fight started...
Ok, it's been waaaaaay too long without a joke. Cone, Boaz, JohnnyMac, you're all becoming slackers.
I get no respect.
I went to my doctor the other day and say "Doctor, my wife has VD".
And the doctor gives himself a shot.
What are you talking about, I'm doing improv everywhere. Not well, but I'm doing it. :glasses:
@fnsooner, way to step up.
@cone: Props for the improv, but you have be there to enjoy it in the moment. This joke thread is for posterity, man.
A blond takes her classic car to a mechanic because it was running rough. He fixed it pretty quick, and when she asked him how he got it running smoothly he said "just crap in the carburetor".
The blond asked, "do I have to do that every time I drive it?"
Fair enough, I yield to the stronger argument. I will find something to post here soon.