The Daily Joke Thread

[rngwn]

Cut Your Own Head Off With a Chainsaw

Abridged version:

Cut your own head off with a chainsaw can be quite dangerous unless done properly. I will first demonstrate the unsafe method, and then how to do it safely.

Unsafe Method:

Start a chainsaw, and apply it to your neck like thi-

splat

dead

[wle]

have you heard the one about the skunk?
never mind, it stinks

[DavidEF]

@rngwn

HowTo:Cut Your Own Head Off With a Chainsaw - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Abridged version:

Cut your own head off with a chainsaw can be quite dangerous unless done properly. I will first demonstrate the unsafe method, and then how to do it safely.

Unsafe Method:

Start a chainsaw, and apply it to your neck like thi-

splat

dead

YIKES!

[raccoon]

Math Work

I could type this into a solver, which MIGHT help, but would also mean I have to get a lot of parentheses right....

[raccoon]

[Cloud]

C’mmon guys. What kind of jokes are these??try to ever beat this one…

- what do you get if you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

• A Flat Minor

[Lightbringer]

Yeah, I don’t get a lot of this newfangled innernet humor.

Okay, here’s something more my speed…

Dean Martin, Ken Lane & Foster Brooks - The Bar/Airline PIlot

Ah, and can’t forget this one…

Carol Burnett Show outtakes - Tim Conway's Elephant Story

It’s fun watching the others trying to stifle their own laffs.

[MyRants]

I hope this isn't a repost.

[Rdubya18]

….except for his flashlight collection !

[raccoon]

Chemistry Nobel

Most chemists thought the lanthanides and actinides could be inserted in the sixth and seventh rows, but no, they're just floating down at the bottom with lots more undiscovered elements all around them.

[raccoon]

Faculty:Student Ratio

They managed to briefly hit the top of the rankings when they rejected everyone except one applicant, published 5 billion research papers that just said "Hi," and hired one of their graduates for $50 trillion/year (then fired them after 10 microseconds.)

[Boaz]

.

[raccoon]

Visit From the Man in Red

[raccoon]

Rey and Kylo

"We're like 10+ movies in and the focus has been almost entirely on the WARS half."

[Foghorne]

[raccoon]

Is it Christmas?

We've tested it on 30 different days and it hasn't gotten one wrong yet.

[Starkm32]

[Muto]

@jacktheclipper

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that’s more like it!)

(I already have 2 bombs)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.(Creepy)

(I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don’t try this at home;maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.

(Honey, I’m home. What the…?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can’t believe that pig …quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm…….)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

This is just one of the posts I loved after I had joined.

You probably don’t know it, but you are the weirdo that got me to come back to this site after bookmarking it almost a year earlier.
I had no idea what the members were talking about, drivers and reverse clickys and tint.
Just figured they were freak nerds, but the Daily Joke Thread was always worth a read if I hadn’t lurked for a month or so.
Anyway one day I laughed really hard and decided to explore other parts of the site and try to figure out WTF these people were talking about and then on Sept 4 2012 I joined and haven’t left since.

So thank you Jacktheclipper for your weird poems and everyone else past and present for having me along for the ride, what a strange trip it’s been (Jerry R.I.P.)
Later,

Easily amused sometimes,
Keith

[xevious (Gary)]

OK, hard to beat that pig, but…

[raccoon]

@xevious

Nice!

Did you find that on Reddit?