The Daily Joke Thread

Is it Christmas?

We've tested it on 30 different days and it hasn't gotten one wrong yet.

This is just one of the posts I loved after I had joined.

You probably don’t know it, but you are the weirdo that got me to come back to this site after bookmarking it almost a year earlier.
I had no idea what the members were talking about, drivers and reverse clickys and tint.
Just figured they were freak nerds, but the Daily Joke Thread was always worth a read if I hadn’t lurked for a month or so.
Anyway one day I laughed really hard and decided to explore other parts of the site and try to figure out WTF these people were talking about and then on Sept 4 2012 I joined and haven’t left since.

So thank you Jacktheclipper for your weird poems and everyone else past and present for having me along for the ride, what a strange trip it’s been (Jerry R.I.P.)
Later,

Easily amused sometimes,
Keith

OK, hard to beat that pig, but…

Nice!

Did you find that on Reddit?

Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
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Because he was looking for a tight seal.

New Year's Eve

"Off-by-one errors" isn't the easiest theme to build a party around, but I've seen worse.

Bad Map Projection: South America

The projection does a good job preserving both distance and azimuth, at the cost of really exaggerating how many South Americas there are.

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals.”

One of the guys, of course, said, “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?”

“N,” she answered.

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When I was applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”

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My friend Dave drowned in a boating accident, we placed a life jacket on his coffin.

It’s what he would have wanted.

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I have not spoken to my wife for six months.

I don’t like to interrupt her.

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My grandfather killed over 30 German pilots in World War II.

He was the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

Action takes place on TV guessing game show:

Q: when was Leonardo da Vinci born? You can be wrong by only 3 days.

A: on Wednesday?

Moment later on same TV guessing game show:

Q: name three famous Mickey’s.

A: Mickey Rourke, Mickey Mouse, eh ……. Mickey Way?

Today I shouted “Cow!” to a woman riding a bike.
She gave me the finger, then she ran into a cow. I tried.
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A friend of mine had to go to the hospital today because he ate an entire pizza.


My Pizza.
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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.
I feel so much better but I don’t know what to do with all these letters.
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“Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first, Doc.”


“They’re gonna name a disease after you.”
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Brand new illnesses that are growing quickly and have no cure (yet) are scarier than old illnesses that are not growing quickly.

I prefer to be informed, so I will accept the media's scare tactics that they use to gain viewers.

That’s why I avoid as hell any antibiotics since they weaken your immune system. I believe as long as the amount of taken viruses is not severe human immune system should defend us.

Redneck murders the hardest cases to solve.
All the DNA matches and there are no dental records.
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My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
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When I was young my parents sent me to a child psychologist.
That kid didn’t help at all.
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You don’t need a parachute to skydive.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
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While getting into my car to go to work a cable tv repairman working on my neighbors house asked me what time it was . I told him " it's between 1 and 8 pm."
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My wife just opened the car door for me..
It would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60 mph.

I can remember one time I was feeling sluggish, listless, and all I wanted to do was sleep. Could barely keep my eyes open. Had no idea at first what was causing it. Later I was told I had The Itis. Must’ve been…

But you only need it once. :wink:
Boaz, your posts are very hard to quote due to the amount of noise in the style annotations.

@ Boaz
Best joke teller on this forum :+1: ,you remind me of less Dawson ,why no mother-in-law jokes ,haha .

My mother-in-law is so fat she has her own postcode.