OK, hard to beat that pig, but…
Nice!
Did you find that on Reddit?
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
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Because he was looking for a tight seal.
New Year's Eve
Bad Map Projection: South America
The projection does a good job preserving both distance and azimuth, at the cost of really exaggerating how many South Americas there are.
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals.”
One of the guys, of course, said, “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?”
“N,” she answered.
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When I was applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
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My friend Dave drowned in a boating accident, we placed a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.
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I have not spoken to my wife for six months.
I don’t like to interrupt her.
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My grandfather killed over 30 German pilots in World War II.
He was the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.
Action takes place on TV guessing game show:
Q: when was Leonardo da Vinci born? You can be wrong by only 3 days.
A: on Wednesday?
Moment later on same TV guessing game show:
Q: name three famous Mickey’s.
A: Mickey Rourke, Mickey Mouse, eh ……. Mickey Way?
Today I shouted “Cow!” to a woman riding a bike.
She gave me the finger, then she ran into a cow. I tried.
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A friend of mine had to go to the hospital today because he ate an entire pizza.
My Pizza.
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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.
I feel so much better but I don’t know what to do with all these letters.
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“Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first, Doc.”
“They’re gonna name a disease after you.”
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Brand new illnesses that are growing quickly and have no cure (yet) are scarier than old illnesses that are not growing quickly.
I prefer to be informed, so I will accept the media's scare tactics that they use to gain viewers.
That’s why I avoid as hell any antibiotics since they weaken your immune system. I believe as long as the amount of taken viruses is not severe human immune system should defend us.
All the DNA matches and there are no dental records.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
That kid didn’t help at all.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
It would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60 mph.
I can remember one time I was feeling sluggish, listless, and all I wanted to do was sleep. Could barely keep my eyes open. Had no idea at first what was causing it. Later I was told I had The Itis. Must’ve been…
But you only need it once.
Boaz, your posts are very hard to quote due to the amount of noise in the style annotations.
@ Boaz
Best joke teller on this forum ,you remind me of less Dawson ,why no mother-in-law jokes ,haha .
My mother-in-law is so fat she has her own postcode.
I said to the chemist, ‘Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?’ He said, ‘Why?’ I said, ’She keeps waking up…
Worst Thing That Could Happen
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ’No, Six should be enough.”