The Daily Joke Thread

Chuck Norris has been quarantined…
…to save the coronavirus.


I’m disappointed to see such stereotype based jokes here on BLF.

Sabotage

So excited to see everyone after my luxury cruise home from the World Handshake Championships!

My mother is the same way. Gets around OK, occasionally needs help for a mistake, but yeah… she is a bit clueless about storage size. Both her and my sister mix up RAM with long term storage. Took me a long time to explain hard disk vs. SSD. :person_facepalming:

yeah i didnt get that joke either

and my daughter is half polish, so it kind of butt hurt me

My girlfriend said I’m a lousy lover.

I don’t know how she can judge me based on 30 seconds of work.

My sister-in-law sat on my new glasses and broke them

It was sort of my fault , I should have taken them off first !

well, i liked hamedshh’s surrealistic joke translations,
but my new favorite is xevious since i understand
some of what is going on, but it’s funnier if i don’t.

here is a surreal one i copied:

why did the dragon go camping?
what else is he supposed to do?

When the quarantine has been too long, and peppers start taking on a different meaning.

Btw, someone is selling SEEDS on Amazon.

Our house got TP'd last night.

The realtor says it's now worth half a million more.

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two girlfriends.

Two guys rent a rowboat at the lake and go fishing. They row around most of the day trying different spots, without much luck. Finally they find a cove where the fish are really biting, but it’s late afternoon and the boat has to be back at the dock by 5:00.
The first guy says to his buddy, “I sure wish there were some way we could mark this spot so we can find it again tomorrow.”
The second guy thinks a minute, then whips out a pen and makes an X on the gunwale.
The first guy shakes his head in disgust. “You really expect that to work? Stop and think: what are the odds that we’ll get the same boat next time?”

Tested out my new noise canceling headphones today while vacuuming the house.
Did 2 thirds of the house before the wife taped me on the shoulder to inform me the vacuum wasn’t turned on.

The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position.
On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances,” he explains.
“Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The man is horrified, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!”
“Well,” says the proctor, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”
The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances,” the proctor explains.
“Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room.
After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes.
“I wanted to do it I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”
Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun.
“We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”
The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she’s fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing.
Suddenly, all goes quiet.
The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, “Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”

Two women were sitting quietly on a park bench minding their own business

Haha, took me bout 5 seconds to get it. First thought was you didn’t finish the joke.

well, i’ve washed my hands so many times
that i can now see 5th grade test answers.