The Daily Joke Thread

All of his life George from Michigan had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.

On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

january, winter, cold, frozen lake? :D

then i get it ;)

After 46 years of marriage, a husband and wife went in for counseling. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every
problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on
she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved
and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing her to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he
embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with
a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs
at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I
fish."

I really hate being Bipolar its wonderful.

One to change the battery and to post that the battery has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing batteries and how the battery could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing batteries.
One to move it to the battery section.
Two to argue, then move it to the Flashlight section.
Seven to point out spelling/ grammar errors in posts about changing batteries.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling and grammar of the flamers.
Six to argue over whether it's "batteries" or "batterys", another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "cell".
Fifteen know it alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "battery" is perfectly correct.
Nineteen to post that this forum is not about "batteries" and to please take this discussion to a "battery" forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use batteries and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing batteries is superior, where to buy the best batteries, what brand of battery work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different batteries.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes batteries relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "+1".
Two to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the battery controversy.
Five to say, "Didn't we go through this already a few months ago?"
Nine to say, "Do a Google search on batteries before posting questions about batteries".
One forum lurker to respond to the original post eight months from now and start it all over again.

1 Thank

+1 :p

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible'
theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts! I mean I fart ALL the FREAKIN' time!"

The Doctor nods, "Hmmmmm."

Patient, "The thing is that my farts don't stink and you can't hear them either. It's just that I fart all the goddamn time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted at least five times already. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmmmmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great Doc! This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is for some medicine to clear out your sinuses and next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kidding me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left...

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day.............. cupcake

+2 and you misspelled a word and why no links? ;)

Good post, telman2

cupcake is a muffin? a cake? :quest: then i dont understand..

thanks for the wonderful jokes!! i read them all :D

cupcake in this sense is a term of endearment, like sweety or honey. Now you get it?

eeouw!

:X

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom

LMAO!!! :D

fishinfool that's a great one!

So much win :bigsmile:

Thanks! It's one of my faves and everytime I hear an ice cream truck I laugh.

BTW, love the pic!

There is a cure for cancer.

It is found in the tears of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't cry......