Got this in an email about ridiculous headlines, so I do not know the source:
β¦β¦β¦
And I rely on spellcheck??
Cheers
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
βββββββ
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now thatβs taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ-
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Those good-for-nothingβ lazy so-and-soβs!
βββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
If Strike Isnβt Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
β Ya think?!
βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ-
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean thereβs something stronger than duct tape?
βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
βββββββββββββββββββββββ
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Werenβt they fat enough?!
βββββββββββββββββββββββ-
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Thatβs what he gets for eating those beans!
ββββββββ ββββββββββββββββ-
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
β Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
*
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*
And the winner isβ¦.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
A coybow is riding his horse way out west, down the lonely trail when he comes upon an indian man going the other way. When they get close, the indian slows to a stop and eyes a brand new Winchester rifle in the cowboyβs scabbard.
Staring at the shiny engraving and fine walnut finish the indian finally looks up and says, βthat is a very fine gun you have there.β The coyboy smiled and said, βthanks! β¦I just got it for my wife today.β
The Indian rubbed his chin for a few seconds then saidβ¦ βgood trade.β
Nothing yet about the cowbow?
He rode off into the sunset of course
A woman walks into the bathroom and sees her husband weighing himself. While standing on the scale he sucks in his belly.
.
βHa!β she tells him, βThat wonβt help you!β
.
βSure it helps,β he replies. βHow else can I see the numbers?β
Similar theme:
she: Does this dress make me look fat?
he: Nope, your fat makes you look fat.
Her trial starts next week.
she: βDoes this dress make me look fat?β
he: βI love you and I want you to look and feel your best. And I donβt
think that particular dress compliments you well. Letβs find something that hides those big love handles.β
(and he started off so wellβ¦.)
Joe Biden said a few months ago that heβs going to pick a woman as his running mate. In recent weeks some people are saying that he should pick a black woman. Elizabeth Warren is now scrambling to fill out the proper forms. Sheβs also going to send her spit in for DNA testing again.
Do you know why stealing from cashiers is easy, itβs because most of them donβt know or werenβt pefectly trained to jump over the cash desk counter
I needed clean work clothes for this week, so I washed a load of pajamas.
Wrong Times Table
I so seriously donβt get it.
I think the fact that someone would actually make a times table that is completely wrong is pretty funny.
(I like stupid math jokes.)
Everyone has heard that pi are not squared, they are round.
Wellp, I gotta admit, that certainly qualified.
We had a goofy teacher who used to βcorrectβ the kids who said β 2 pi R squaredβ heβd say βNo cake are square pi are roundβ.
Nope, cornbread r squared, cake r round.
I knew Yogi had a big olβ mean-streakβ¦
Worse, heβs an angry drunk.