The Daily Joke Thread

He rode off into the sunset of course :wink:

A woman walks into the bathroom and sees her husband weighing himself. While standing on the scale he sucks in his belly.
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“Ha!” she tells him, “That won’t help you!”
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“Sure it helps,” he replies. “How else can I see the numbers?”

Similar theme:

she: Does this dress make me look fat?

he: Nope, your fat makes you look fat.

Her trial starts next week.

she: “Does this dress make me look fat?”

he: “I love you and I want you to look and feel your best. And I don’t
think that particular dress compliments you well. Let’s find something that hides those big love handles.”

(and he started off so well….)

Joe Biden said a few months ago that he’s going to pick a woman as his running mate. In recent weeks some people are saying that he should pick a black woman. Elizabeth Warren is now scrambling to fill out the proper forms. She’s also going to send her spit in for DNA testing again.

Do you know why stealing from cashiers is easy, it’s because most of them don’t know or weren’t pefectly trained to jump over the cash desk counter

I needed clean work clothes for this week, so I washed a load of pajamas.

Wrong Times Table

Deep in some corner of my heart, I suspect that real times tables are wrong about 6x7=42 and 8x7=56.

I so seriously don’t get it.

I think the fact that someone would actually make a times table that is completely wrong is pretty funny.

(I like stupid math jokes.)

Everyone has heard that pi are not squared, they are round.

Wellp, I gotta admit, that certainly qualified. :stuck_out_tongue:

We had a goofy teacher who used to “correct” the kids who said ” 2 pi R squared” he’d say “No cake are square pi are round”.

Nope, cornbread r squared, cake r round.

I knew Yogi had a big ol’ mean-streak…

Worse, he’s an angry drunk.

Especially after he was jailed for beating BooBoo into a coma.

Sad day…

A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing, but you mean your mother.

Where do you find the meaning of life?

The dictionary
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Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?

Did you hear that the guy who wrote the hokey pokey song recently died? They couldn’t close the casket at his funeral.