The Daily Joke Thread

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

Nice fishinfool!

@ fishinfool

Bwa ha hah ha ha har!

That was a good one :-)

Thanks guys!

That was so funny, fishinfool, that I even mailed it to my wife.

Thanks! I have a collection of hundreds of jokes that I have collected over years so this thread will be staying current for a very long time.

An old cowboy sat down at the diner and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

Nice!

How come mexico doesn't compete in the olympics?

...Cause everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already in the US. :)

Here another is:

A guy wearing an expensive three piece suit is approached by an armed thug as he walks down a street in Washington D.C. . The thug put's his gun in the mans's ribs and states "Give me you money." The well dressed man replies "Don't you know who I am? I'm a US congressman." At that point the thug replies "In that case, give me my money!"

I have a 10 page document of my favorite jokes. :)

Nice one fishinfool.

I went to a coworker's house for dinner the other day. I had worked with him for awhile, but it was the first time I got to meet his little girl. She was adorable, and as I like kids I got to chatting with her. She was only 7 but smart as a whip. So I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said President. I looked at her parents, they beemed with pride.
I asked her what she would to help the country? She said with a big smile that she was going to give the poor lots of money so they aren't poor anymore. Again her parents beemed with pride. Knowing her parents were very liberal democrats I decided to make an offer to their daughter.
I told her she didn't have to wait to until she was president to help the poor. She got excited and asked really? I said yes, I have a lot of yard work to be done, and if she wanted to come over and do it for me I would pay her 50 dollars, but after I paid her, before I brought her home I would take her buy the liquor store where the town bum likes to hang out and beg, and she can give the money she earned to him.

She mulled this over and finally said, why doesn't he just come over and earn the 50 dollars by doing your yard work?
I beemed with pride and said Welcome to the Republican Party.....I went home hungry.

Edit: Not a true story.

Good one scaru. Here's another joke:

**********************************************

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when a wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die.' Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Georgia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with black hair. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle.

He unbuttoned his shirt as he went, one button at a time, locking eyes with her. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped....

Then, he spoke, 'Here, iron this and then get me a beer.'

Nice!

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

A man was driving his Ford pickup truck in VA, headed toward DC. He ran into a massive traffic jam that extended for miles, as far as the eye could see.

He got out of the truck and saw a man walking toward him and decided to inquire about the situation.

Ford guy: What happened?

Walking guy: Terrorists have taken over the WH and Congress. They are threatening to douse them all in gasoline and burn them alive unless they receive 100 million dollars ransom. We are taking up a collection to help.

Ford guy: What’s the average donation? How much is everyone else chipping in?

Walking guy: About a gallon, each!


Young Couple at Heaven's Gates

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. “What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a Priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a Lawyer?"

1984, a great book; and an accurate prediction. . :)