The Daily Joke Thread

My friends are great, they're always there when they need me

Q: What do you call a religious person who says the world is coming to an end?
A: A crackpot!
Q: What do you call a secular person who says the world is coming to an end?
A: An environmentalist!

man and wife go to a zoo

zoo only has one dog

wife says there’s only 1 dog here

man says, yeah, it’s kind of a ’’shih tzu”

Road Rage

Boaz, That was great! Enjoyed it.

An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
“Let’s not fight about it!” the man said. “Let’s ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”
As their tour guide approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”

“It’s raining, of course,” he replied officiously.
But the woman insisted, “I know that it felt like snow!”
The man replied - “of one thing you can be sure, Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!

All the Best,
Jeff

why was 6 afraid of 7?
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because 7 8 9 !

kid joke
wle

Man walks into a bar with a penguin. Sits down and asks the bartender for a beer and an ice water. As the bartender serves them their drinks he says: “I gotta ask you, what are you doing with a penguin?”
“Well,” says the man “it just showed up one day in my garden and I’ve been taking care of it ever since.”
“Man you should take that thing to the zoo.” the bartender goes.
“Wow that’s a great idea” says the man “why didn’t I think of that.”
A week later the guy enters the bar again with that same penguin right behind him.
“Well” says the bartender “I tought you were gonna take it to the zoo”
“Yeah I did’ says the guy ” He really enjoyed it, so now we’re going to the movies.”

Last night I went to bed wishing I looked younger, well this morning I woke up with my wish granted.

I had a couple of zits on my forehead!

A blonde walks into a bar…

  • the next guy ducks.

A man walks into a bar, orders three shots of whiskey. Downs them, orders three more. He downs those and orders another three. The bartender asks what’s going on. The guy says I just had my first bj. Congratulations says the bartender, but why so many shots? The guy responds… I’m trying to get the taste out.

I have the worst joke ever but don’t want to be banned lol

Several members of the IT staff are ex-military, but I’m not. This has led to a lot of pranks and jokes between the IT techs.

I notice a technician passing through a hallway one day when our printer isn’t working.

Me: “Hey, [Tech], printer two is down again.”

Tech: “Ugh. We need to get that repaired for real.”

Me: “I’m putting in an order for parts for a few new monitors. Want me to add anything?”

Tech: “Yeah, add in, um… a new AGM-114.”

He leaves without explaining what that part is. I dutifully submit the order with “Part: AGM-114” and “Purpose: printer repair.” Ten minutes later, an IT higher-up comes storming into our office waving my order.

IT Supervisor: “What smarta ordered a Hellfire missile for the printers?!”

We are no longer allowed to order parts from IT by serial number only.

Source: Hellfire Is What You’ll Get

A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, "Sorry about your weight."

Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, now listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

"Cumulative number of coronavirus spreadsheets created over time" is a spreadsheet I am coming dangerously close to creating.

@Jasetaylor The BLF rules still apply in this thread:

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I see my seashell joke and blonde joke have been removed.

I didn’t use dirty language.
I didn’t swear.
Lewd or risque? The realm of the subjective and given the general feel through the jokes pages, including numerous blonde jokes, I matched in kind. Is it the word vagina you object to?

@Jasetaylor Yes, that is lewd by definition. This site is for all ages, and nobody wants to be surprised by somebody else in the house who happens to see what appears on the screen here. The blonde joke post was also reported as offensive.