The Daily Joke Thread

A blonde walks into a bar…

  • the next guy ducks.

A man walks into a bar, orders three shots of whiskey. Downs them, orders three more. He downs those and orders another three. The bartender asks what’s going on. The guy says I just had my first bj. Congratulations says the bartender, but why so many shots? The guy responds… I’m trying to get the taste out.

I have the worst joke ever but don’t want to be banned lol

Several members of the IT staff are ex-military, but I’m not. This has led to a lot of pranks and jokes between the IT techs.

I notice a technician passing through a hallway one day when our printer isn’t working.

Me: “Hey, [Tech], printer two is down again.”

Tech: “Ugh. We need to get that repaired for real.”

Me: “I’m putting in an order for parts for a few new monitors. Want me to add anything?”

Tech: “Yeah, add in, um… a new AGM-114.”

He leaves without explaining what that part is. I dutifully submit the order with “Part: AGM-114” and “Purpose: printer repair.” Ten minutes later, an IT higher-up comes storming into our office waving my order.

IT Supervisor: “What smarta ordered a Hellfire missile for the printers?!”

We are no longer allowed to order parts from IT by serial number only.

Source: Hellfire Is What You’ll Get

A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, "Sorry about your weight."

Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, now listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

"Cumulative number of coronavirus spreadsheets created over time" is a spreadsheet I am coming dangerously close to creating.

@Jasetaylor The BLF rules still apply in this thread:

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  9. Have fun.

I see my seashell joke and blonde joke have been removed.

I didn’t use dirty language.
I didn’t swear.
Lewd or risque? The realm of the subjective and given the general feel through the jokes pages, including numerous blonde jokes, I matched in kind. Is it the word vagina you object to?

@Jasetaylor Yes, that is lewd by definition. This site is for all ages, and nobody wants to be surprised by somebody else in the house who happens to see what appears on the screen here. The blonde joke post was also reported as offensive.

I accept what you say regarding the seashell joke on the basis of it being your call, the general feel of the jokes thread isn’t conducive to family friendly though.

I’m surprised about the blonde joke, it wasn’t any more or less offensive than the blonde jokes preceding mine and after mine which still remain. The reporter must have selective offence.

I shall steer clear of the jokes thread henceforth.

Thanks @Jasetaylor for understanding. I don’t mean to single you out, I’m sure that there is some other inappropriate stuff here in this thread, but unfortunately I was just now alerted to this and your posts were the most recent ones in question. The blonde jokes I understand are a matter of subjective interpretation, but in this case they led to a report, so that’s why I intervened. It’s a bit more touchy here on a large international forum where not everyone knows each other well than being with a small circle of close friends.

Q: Why do gorillas have large nostrils?
A: Because they have large fingers.

Leap Year 2021

I've lived in the present for my whole life and I'm not about to move now.

Vaccine Guidance

I can't wait until I'm fully vaccinated and can safely send chat messages in all caps again.

Huh?

It's a very simple joke.

You either get it or you don't.

I don't see the point in posting something like "Huh?" every time you cannot understand a very simple joke.

Oh, so that was it? I thought maybe the punchline got cut off at the end or something.

K, guess I just don’t get it.

(No mneme or current-events reference or anything that I’m missing?)

Nope.

Sorry I got angry.

(I thought you were messing with me, and I didn't understand why.)