The Daily Joke Thread

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raccoon city
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pickle 

Lightbringer
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Huh? I don’t get it.

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raccoon city
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Lightbringer wrote:

Huh? I don't get it.

The monkey without a hat ate part of a pickle that was found in the shower of a gym...

which is extremely gross...

and hilarious!

Lightbringer
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Ummmmm, okay, I’ll take your word for it.

Must be that New Humor…

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cloggy
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At a funeral the grieving widow asks if anybody would like to say anything. A man in the congregation stands up and walks to the head of the coffin, says “plethora” and sits down again.
“ Thank you” said the widow, “it would have meant a lot to him”.

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

cloggy

Bwana
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Two men and one woman were stranded on a deserted island.

After two weeks the woman was so ashamed of what she was doing, she killed herself .

Two weeks later the men were so ashamed of what they were doing , they buried her .

Two weeks after that the men were so ashamed of what they were doing , they dug her up .

ReManG
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I never used to think I could be turned on by population statistics.

Then I came to my census.

Bwana
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What is the difference between a terrorist and an Italian wife ?

You can negotiate with a terrorist !

raccoon city
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2020 

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My friends are great, they're always there when they need me

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Q: What do you call a religious person who says the world is coming to an end?
A: A crackpot!
Q: What do you call a secular person who says the world is coming to an end?
A: An environmentalist!

== We save the planet from darkness ==

wle
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man and wife go to a zoo

zoo only has one dog

wife says there’s only 1 dog here

man says, yeah, it’s kind of a ‘‘shih tzu”

"You never have the wind with you - it's either against you, or you're having a good day."
    Daniel Behrman, "The Man Who Loved Bicycles".
It never gets easy, you just go faster.   
-Greg Lemond.
       ,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¸

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 Road Rage 

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

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Boaz, That was great! Enjoyed it.

An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
“Let’s not fight about it!” the man said. “Let’s ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”
As their tour guide approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”

“It’s raining, of course,” he replied officiously.
But the woman insisted, “I know that it felt like snow!”
The man replied – “of one thing you can be sure, Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!

All the Best,
Jeff

wle
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why was 6 afraid of 7?
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
because 7 8 9 !

kid joke
wle

"You never have the wind with you - it's either against you, or you're having a good day."
    Daniel Behrman, "The Man Who Loved Bicycles".
It never gets easy, you just go faster.   
-Greg Lemond.
       ,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¸

dekozn
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Man walks into a bar with a penguin. Sits down and asks the bartender for a beer and an ice water. As the bartender serves them their drinks he says: “I gotta ask you, what are you doing with a penguin?”
“Well,” says the man “it just showed up one day in my garden and I’ve been taking care of it ever since.”
“Man you should take that thing to the zoo.” the bartender goes.
“Wow that’s a great idea” says the man “why didn’t I think of that.”
A week later the guy enters the bar again with that same penguin right behind him.
“Well” says the bartender “I tought you were gonna take it to the zoo”
“Yeah I did’ says the guy “ He really enjoyed it, so now we’re going to the movies.”

Idiot proofing something only creates improved idiots.

Lightbringer
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Jasetaylor wrote:
My girlfriends vagina reminds me of a seashell.

When I put my ear to it I can smell the ocean.

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Last night I went to bed wishing I looked younger, well this morning I woke up with my wish granted.

I had a couple of zits on my forehead!

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A blonde walks into a bar…
- the next guy ducks.

ZappaMan

Geronimo
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A man walks into a bar, orders three shots of whiskey. Downs them, orders three more. He downs those and orders another three. The bartender asks what’s going on. The guy says I just had my first bj. Congratulations says the bartender, but why so many shots? The guy responds… I’m trying to get the taste out.

Emisar d1s 3a. ZL sc700d,sc64w hi,H600c,Streamlight tlr1-hl, Astrolux mfo1s 4k/purple. Olight I3t Eos black. Ylp 2m cri.ZL sc64le, k1 xhp35 hi in 4k.

Geronimo
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I have the worst joke ever but don’t want to be banned lol

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Bort
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Several members of the IT staff are ex-military, but I’m not. This has led to a lot of pranks and jokes between the IT techs.

I notice a technician passing through a hallway one day when our printer isn’t working.

Me: “Hey, [Tech], printer two is down again.”

Tech: “Ugh. We need to get that repaired for real.”

Me: “I’m putting in an order for parts for a few new monitors. Want me to add anything?”

Tech: “Yeah, add in, um… a new AGM-114.”

He leaves without explaining what that part is. I dutifully submit the order with “Part: AGM-114” and “Purpose: printer repair.” Ten minutes later, an IT higher-up comes storming into our office waving my order.

IT Supervisor: “What smarta** ordered a Hellfire missile for the printers?!”

We are no longer allowed to order parts from IT by serial number only.

Source: https://notalwaysright.com/hellfire-is-what-youll-get/227096/

The Journal of Alternative Facts TM

"It is critical that there is a credible academic source for the growing and important discipline of alternative facts. This field of study will just keep winning, and we knew that all the best people would want to be on board. There is a real risk in the world today that people might be getting their information about science from actual scientists"

 

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A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, "Sorry about your weight."

 

Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't figure out how to fit  2 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.

 

 

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, now listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

Boaz
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Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.

 

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

raccoon city
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exposure_models

"Cumulative number of coronavirus spreadsheets created over time" is a spreadsheet I am coming dangerously close to creating.

sb56637
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@Jasetaylor  The BLF rules still apply in this thread:

 

BLF Rules:

BY REGISTERING AN ACCOUNT YOU ALREADY IMPLICITLY AGREED TO ABIDE BY THESE RULES:

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  4. Please avoid fighting. If you or somebody else is losing their calm, please drop the subject.
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Jasetaylor
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sb56637 wrote:

@Jasetaylor  The BLF rules still apply in this thread:


 

BLF Rules:

BY REGISTERING AN ACCOUNT YOU ALREADY IMPLICITLY AGREED TO ABIDE BY THESE RULES:

  1. Please don’t be rude.  Rude people will have their accounts deleted. 
  2. Please don’t use dirty language, please don’t swear, and please avoid lewd or risqué conversations.
  3. Please avoid controversial or divisive subjects such as religion and politics.
  4. Please avoid fighting. If you or somebody else is losing their calm, please drop the subject.
  5. Please don’t even think about spamming this forum.  Spammers will be prosecuted.
  6. Please don’t even think about using this forum for illegal activities.  Criminals will be prosecuted.
  7. By registering an account, you agree to the BudgetLightForum.com Privacy Policy.
  8. All opinions expressed by users of this website may or may not be accurate, and as such BudgetLightForum.com does not officially endorse them. BudgetLightForum.com does not encourage risky behavior, and will not be responsible for physical, emotional, financial or other damages resulting from the use or misuse of any information or misinformation expressed herein. All users are encouraged to use good judgement before making any physical, financial or other decisions based on the information or misinformation expressed on BudgetLightForum.com.
  9. Have fun.

I see my seashell joke and blonde joke have been removed.

I didn’t use dirty language.
I didn’t swear.
Lewd or risque? The realm of the subjective and given the general feel through the jokes pages, including numerous blonde jokes, I matched in kind. Is it the word vagina you object to?

sb56637
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@Jasetaylor Yes, that is lewd by definition. This site is for all ages, and nobody wants to be surprised by somebody else in the house who happens to see what appears on the screen here. The blonde joke post was also reported as offensive.

Budget Light Forum ...where Frugal meets with Flashlight!

Jasetaylor
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sb56637 wrote:
@Jasetaylor Yes, that is lewd by definition. This site is for all ages, and nobody wants to be surprised by somebody else in the house who happens to see what appears on the screen here. The blonde joke post was also reported as offensive.

I accept what you say regarding the seashell joke on the basis of it being your call, the general feel of the jokes thread isn’t conducive to family friendly though.

I’m surprised about the blonde joke, it wasn’t any more or less offensive than the blonde jokes preceding mine and after mine which still remain. The reporter must have selective offence.

I shall steer clear of the jokes thread henceforth.

sb56637
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Thanks @Jasetaylor for understanding. I don’t mean to single you out, I’m sure that there is some other inappropriate stuff here in this thread, but unfortunately I was just now alerted to this and your posts were the most recent ones in question. The blonde jokes I understand are a matter of subjective interpretation, but in this case they led to a report, so that’s why I intervened. It’s a bit more touchy here on a large international forum where not everyone knows each other well than being with a small circle of close friends.

Budget Light Forum ...where Frugal meets with Flashlight!

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