The Daily Joke Thread

I guess that was Smokey The Bear.

well. i`ve red it couple of time.. the basic idea is obvious. but that`s not that funny. at least for me.

just remembered old joke (we call these ones "long-bearded"

guy sits in prison, new cell-mate comes it. they talk , guy asks new cell mate - "what are you sentenced for?

"i opened window at work..."

"? where did you work?

" in submarine"

I gotta confess, though, I never “got” Jewish humor.

A lot of it was puns and plays on words, usually Jewish/Hebrew/Yidddish/whatever words, that zinged right over my head.

Eg, you’d get a 20min shaggy-dog story, with the punchline(?) something like, “…it saved the nine, because it was a schtitzen dayim!”, and I’d be all like, “huh?”.

Whaddya mean, ’huh?’, don’t you get it?

’Schtitzen dayim’, ’stitch in time’, get it? No??

You’re stoopit…

And dunno if anyone remembers the Jackie Mason Show, a 30min show we used to have on, late late late nights. opened with a caricature of him, and the show would be JM doing stand-up comedy.

It was okay, until it got too “ethnic”, and then I’d be lost.

Like,

Knock-knock.

[Who’s there?]

Yommika!

and the whole audience rolls on the floor laffing.

So I’d tell the same joke to a cow-orker, and get this look, like, wtf?

And I’d tell him that I just heard it yesterday on the JMS, and everyone was rolling on the floor laffing, so what’s the matter with you?

Oh, yesterday… okay, then it made sense.

Whut??

Well, yesterday was the feast of Tovah Feldshuh, when Moses went up on Mount Cyanide and God told him to wear a yommika from then on, as a reminder of XYZ…

Sooooo… it was funny yesterday but it’s not funny today?

Exactly! Yesterday it made sense, but today it doesn’t.

Okay, I’m so confused…

I think I prefer the shaggy-dog stories.

LMAO, just kidding, it was ok.

What religion are bears?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

physics joke

This made my day. Thanks!

Fully Vaccinated

"You still can't walk into someone's house without being invited!" "What? Oh, I see your confusion. No, this vaccine is for a bat VIRUS. I'm fine with doorways and garlic and stuff."

RC,

Hahahahaha!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, He leaned over and whispered to her,

“I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want
me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 * on one condition.”
(There are always conditions!)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
(Controlling, huh?) The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said . . . .
“Clean my house.”

All the Best,
Jeff

Hopefully I didnt already post these…

3 “Old” friends are walking down the street…

1st one: Windy isn’t it?
2nd: No, it’s Thursday
3rd: Me too! Lets go get a beer!

Later, it’s the 3rd one’s birthday (feel free to add codger names to these guys), so his buddies decide to hire a stripper. They tell her to go over to his house and give him some super sex.

Stripper shows up wearing nothing but a fur coat and knocks on door.

3rd guy: Yes?
Stripper (opens coat revealing gorgeous naked body): Super Sex!
3rd guy: What?
Stripper: SUPER SEX!
3rd guy: …
3rd guy: What kind of soup?

How many famous men and women were born on your birthday?

None, only babies.

How many people does it take to circumcise a whale? Fore skin divers (:

Wasn’t this a paul lynde joke on hollywood squares?

Ha maybe I’ve been hearing it since I was a kid. Credit to Mr Lynde then.

P.s. I used to work at the zoo circumcising elephants. It didn’t pay very well but I got some big tips

if your onion rings…answer it.

Here's an intelligent joke, for a change.

(I usually post stupid jokes.)

In Your Classroom

Ontology is way off to the left and geography is way off to the right.

Astronomy Status Board

Junior astronomers hate getting put on board update duty, but someone's gotta make sure that stuff is still up there.

Okay, I understood that one… :laughing: