The Daily Joke Thread

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Robin Dobbie
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Photon Master wrote:
P.s. I used to work at the zoo circumcising elephants. It didn’t pay very well but I got some big tips

I used to work at the zoo cafeteria. I always wondered where they got the onion rings from. They didn’t look like onions.

turkeydance
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if your onion rings…answer it.

raccoon city
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Here's an intelligent joke, for a change.

(I usually post stupid jokes.)

 

In Your Classroom

in_your_classroom

Ontology is way off to the left and geography is way off to the right.

raccoon city
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Astronomy Status Board

astronomy_status_board

Junior astronomers hate getting put on board update duty, but someone's gotta make sure that stuff is still up there.

raccoon city
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bleeding_money 

Lightbringer
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Okay, I understood that one… LOL

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Bwana
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Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench.

One asks the other , do you ever get horny ?

She replies , yes I do sometimes.

The first one then asks , what do you do when you get horny ?

She replies , I suck on a life saver .

The first one thinks for a moment and then asks – Who drives you to the beach ?

turkeydance
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This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came into my house, told my dog–we laughed a lot.

Ironhorse
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In my case it would have been:

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog.
It was obvious she thought her dog understood her.
I came into my house, told my cat–we laughed a lot.

Boaz
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I talked to your dog the other day and he swore he's never said a word to you ... and you're making it all up .

 I trust a dog to tell the truth .. a cat would just ignore you . If interrogated they would just lie . 

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

cm64
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Many years ago I made my little brother swoller a flashlight.
It was so nice to see his little face light up.

raccoon city
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First Time Since Early 2020

first_time_since_early_2020

Gotten the Ferris wheel operator's attention

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NeutralFan
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Nice one turkeydance! Funny, but true.

I’d rather use my flashlight around the house than turn on the lights.

raccoon city
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What the heck is the person on the chair pointing at?

A clock not in the picture?

Lightbringer
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And why everyone puts their masks back on…

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turkeydance
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“What the heck is the person on the chair pointing at?”

it is the number 1 in a countdown.
masks off in 1…2….3!

Bwana
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.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

.. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

Lightbringer
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A Zen Buddhist goes to a hotdog vendor and says, “Gimme a hotdog with everything on it”.

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Bwana
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A man walks into his psychiatrist office wearing nothing but saran wrap.

The Doctor looks up at him and says

I can clearly see your nuts !

raccoon city
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Health Drink

health_drink

You'd need to keep track of so many people! Would you use, like, Excel or something? Far too fancy for a simple country nanoenzyme developer like me.

jeff51
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A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed.
He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. “There’s no charge,” he says.
“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” the woman says.

“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
Then it was just a matter of switching the heads.”

All the Best,
Jeff

turkeydance
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jeff51….my son LOVED that one.
you have made me a hero for a day.
thank you so much.

jeff51
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Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.
I’m scared.
I think I’m going crazy.

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the psychiatrist.
“Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,” I said.

Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
“Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

A bartender cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV.”
“Is that so!” With a bit of an attitude he said,
“And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!”

jeff51
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A blonde’s car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them
at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike
cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
to approaching drivers…

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling,
“What is going on here?”

“My car broke down, Officer” says the woman, calmly.

“Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures
doing here by the road?!” asks the Officer…

“Oh, those are my emergency flashers!” she replied.

Blonde’s Please do not be offended, I am (or once was Blond), Insert politically incorrect subject of your choice.

jeff51
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to
their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he
caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and
he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back
pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and
began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw
blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

Flynn said, “Why you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Mary said, “it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops
of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot
eyes,
But mostly…..It’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror

All the Best,
Jeff

Lightbringer
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In that vein…

 

A yute walks into the clinic, “My whole body hurts. It hurts everywhere I touch myself.”

Doctor’s almost amused, but takes it seriously for a while, “Where does it hurt?”.

The yute presses on his forearm… “Owww.”

The yute presses on his abdomen… “Owww.”

The yute presses on his thigh… “Owww.”

The doctor grabs the yute… “Does this hurt?”

OWWWWW!”

“Your finger’s broken.”

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jeff51
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A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there
was a fortune to be made in horse’s, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so
high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he already had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline: ‘Pastor’s Ass Shows’.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and this time it won!

The local paper read: ‘Pastor’s Ass Out Front’.

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper read: ‘Bishop Scratches Pastor’s Ass’.

The bishop was fit to be tied. He ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day:
‘Nun Has Best Ass in Town’

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day, the paper read: ‘Nun Sells Ass For $10.00’.

After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: ‘Nun Announces Her Ass Is Wild and Free’.

The bishop was buried the next day
All the Best,
Jeff

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A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
“To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter,
I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary
at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset – I shall be home before midnight.”

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

“My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael,
one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math,
you will understand that we are in the same situation,
although with one small difference – 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.”

———
On a hot summer day, a cowboy came riding into town on his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree.
The cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, “Your dog seems to be in heat.” The cowboy replies, “No way dog’s in heat; she’s cool cause I got’im tied under the shade of the tree.”

The policeman says, “No! you don’t understand; your dog needs to be bred.” No way”, the cowboys says, “dog don’t need bread, she’s not hungry, cause I fed her beef jerky this mornin”.
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; “NO! You don’t seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!”

The cowboy looks at him and says,
“Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!”

All the Best,
Jeff

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“F.Y.I., if you’re here to plunder the Earth’s natural resources, you’d better hurry.”

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