The Daily Joke Thread

Off-topic Chatter
1886

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to
their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he
caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and
he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back
pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and
began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw
blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

Flynn said, “Why you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Mary said, “it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops
of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot
eyes,
But mostly……It’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror

All the Best,
Jeff

1887

In that vein…

A yute walks into the clinic, “My whole body hurts. It hurts everywhere I touch myself.”

Doctor’s almost amused, but takes it seriously for a while, “Where does it hurt?”.

The yute presses on his forearm… “Owww.”

The yute presses on his abdomen… “Owww.”

The yute presses on his thigh… “Owww.”

The doctor grabs the yute… “Does this hurt?”

“OWWWWW!”

“Your finger’s broken.”

1888

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there
was a fortune to be made in horse’s, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so
high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he already had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline: ’Pastor’s Ass Shows’.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and this time it won!

The local paper read: ’Pastor’s Ass Out Front’.

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper read: ’Bishop Scratches Pastor’s Ass’.

The bishop was fit to be tied. He ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day:
’Nun Has Best Ass in Town’

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day, the paper read: ’Nun Sells Ass For $10.00’.

After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: ’Nun Announces Her Ass Is Wild and Free’.

The bishop was buried the next day
All the Best,
Jeff

1889

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
“To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter,
I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary
at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset - I shall be home before midnight.”

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

“My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael,
one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math,
you will understand that we are in the same situation,
although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.”

On a hot summer day, a cowboy came riding into town on his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree.
The cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, “Your dog seems to be in heat.” The cowboy replies, “No way dog’s in heat; she’s cool cause I got’im tied under the shade of the tree.”

The policeman says, “No! you don’t understand; your dog needs to be bred.” No way”, the cowboys says, “dog don’t need bread, she’s not hungry, cause I fed her beef jerky this mornin”.
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; “NO! You don’t seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!”

The cowboy looks at him and says,
“Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!”

All the Best,
Jeff

1890

“F.Y.I., if you’re here to plunder the Earth’s natural resources, you’d better hurry.”

1891

I'm tempted to put this in my signature...

EDIT:

Yep, now it's in my sig.

1892

Three are going to be a huge number of pandemic memes coming :smiley:

1893

I love it

1894

Man, I want the hoodie with that one on it!

1895

I bet there’d be a market for the converse, too…
“100% Antisocial, Still Not Vaccinated” :laughing:

1896

Agreed… :white_check_mark:

1897

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
“Well, doc, it’s like this —- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked and said, “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

1898

Okay, not a written joke, but still a hoot.

1899

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said,
‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’

The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.

He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?’

She smiled and said, ’No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires…

1900

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis’

1901

military humor:

a fortification is two twentyfications.

1902

helicopter: 10,000 parts flying in close formation.

1903

me: what will it cost to have my car fixed?
mechanic: what’s wrong with it?
me: i don’t know.
mech: $410.57.

your serve.

1904

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The preacher told them,
“We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.”

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the preacher ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
“You are back so soon … is there a problem?” the preacher inquired.

“We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month”
The young man replied sadly.

The preacher asked him what happened.
“Well, the first week was difficult … however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.”
“The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.”
“However, the third week was unbearable. ”

We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible …
anything to keep our minds off sex.

Then one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there.”
Admitted the man shamefully.

“You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,”
stated the preacher.

“We know.” said the young man, hanging his head.

“We’re not welcome at Home Depot any more either.”

All the Best,
Jeff

1905

No more one cent Home Depot clearance deals. Now that is a tragedy :frowning:

BTW anyone else miss Dchomak?