Nah, I was gonna let someone else take it. I canât keep hogging the spotlight.
I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.
Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "f**k it!" after the tone.
* If you have schizophrenia, press whichever button the voice in your head tells you to press.
* If you have paranoia, we already know who you are and why you are calling. Don't hang up. It is too late.
* If you have depression, just hang up now. It wasn't going to help anyway.
Lizard is walking through the forest...
"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.
"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.
Lizard climbed up the tree to sit with Koala while they enjoyed a jungle doob and discussed the happenings of the community. After a few minutes, Lizard was having a hard time continuing conversation.
"Bro, my mouth is dry and my tongue feels like sandpaper! For some reason I can barely talk!" Lizard mumbles, with his lips stuck to his teeth.
"Holy !@#$ bro, don't worry. It is called cotton mouth and it is just from the weed," Koala said with bloodshot eyes, "Look at how !@#$ up you are, you look like one of those funny faced Spongebob memes."
Lizard began to panic as existential questions and paranoia started to set in.
"Don't lose it bro!" Koala stoneously giggled, as he pointed down the path. "You need to take a quick refreshing walk to the stream and get some water, little buddy!"
Lizard agreed and carefully climbed down the tree and embarked upon the journey. As he continued down the path he began to see the forest in a whole new light, he was in tune with things on a deeper level. He could feel every twig and leaf crunch beneath his feet, he could see beautiful vivid patterns emerge in the leaves of the trees as the wind danced through the branches, and he could hear and comprehend all of the sounds of the life in the forest as if it were a song made just for him.
He finally made his way to the stream and sank his mouth into the flowing water. It was the most fulfilling taste he had ever experienced, as if he could feel every cell in his body being hydrated with every swallow.
Then all of a sudden...
Alligator emerged from the water directly in front of Lizard, which frightened Lizard immensely!
"Alligator! My friend! Can you see what I am seeing right now? Can you feel what I am feeling?" Lizard shouted with a huge smile on his face, and a grin so big you could feel it through his squinted eyes as well.
"Damn dude, you're Lit af! You holding?" Alligator said with intrigue.
"No brother, but I did just get done reefing with Koala. He is down the path, up in the big tree by the bluff," Lizard said. "I'm sure he could get you some."
Alligator aggressively thanked Lizard, and immediately began to mash down the trail to find Koala. He found the tree and saw Koala passed out, asleep, with the joint in his hand still smoldering.
"Hey, Koala!" Alligator shouted.
Koala was startled awake, confused, and almost fell from the tree. After a quick moment surveying where he was, he looked down to where the shouting came from.
"Holy !@#$ Lizard, HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?"
How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn).
19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.
44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.
12 to post F.
8 to ask what F means.
36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.
6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "fáĂ$"
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
That jokeâs too long. Is that the punchline?
âŚ.yea, so 1 to post TLDRâŚ.Over 9000!
Wattya call it when a dove craps on yer head?
A turdledove.
PS. Hey another one I just made up. Can ya tell? I got more.
A scuba diver dives in the water. Would that be a scuba diver diver? Or would that make ya sound like a stutterer?
A taxi driver takes ya to a taxidermist. He then asks you, âGot skin problems?â
A neighborâs dog pees on his neighborâs front door. In return he pees on the dog. The neighbor sees all this and yellsâŚ.
âHey assh*le I just saw what you did!!! You peed on my dog from your front door!!!â
The neighbor repliesâŚ
âThatâ s nuthin. You should see what I left on him from my back door.â
PS⌠I just made these up too. Anyone up for more? Just lemme know cuz I may not be able to stop without interventions.
A warthog vigorously starts humping an elephant. The elephant turns his head back and saysâŚâŚ
âHey! Are you wearing a condom?!?â
Warthog sezâŚâŚ
âWhy should I? I already have genital warts.â
PS. Believe it or not butt I just made that one up. I know. Itâs amazing.
Hmm, I think Iâd rather deal with the 2 stuffed monkeysâŚ
Lightbringer and Boaz were on lushly forested nature hike together.
Boaz had his biggest high power multiple led lumen monster flash while Lightbringer brought his single led winky dinky mule flash.
Suddenly on the trail a huge black bear appears. On its hind legs his jaws snapping, his neck hairs standing on end.
Boaz instinctively holds down the side button to get full-turbo from his lumen monster and shines it right into the snarling bearâs eyes. Lightbringer just stood there and didnât flinch.
The bear undeterred charges both hikers. Boaz and Lightbringer running as hard as they could neck and neck. From his galloping back Lightbringer somehow shines his mule flash into the bears eyes as he continues to haul a*s.
Boaz on the other hand is caught by the enraged bull bear and clawed down wherein his flash is bitten in half, laying there uselessly by his quivering side. Chunks of his scalp, Converse tennis shoes, and bloodied Speedos strewn all asunder. Itâs an almost unimaginable scene.
The bear continues to rake Boaz stem to sternâŚâŚ
âLightbringer, Gawâd Almighty HELP ME!!!
By this time Lightbringer was a safe distance up the trail looking back upon the mayhem.
Then calmly he answered BoazâŚâŚalmost in a whisperâŚâŚ
âHow many times on these hikes did I tell ya that a bare led is better.â
PS. I didnât make this one up. Itâs been circulating for quite awhile on the Catskills stand up comedian circuit.
A grandma and grandpa were having sex for the first time in 50 years.
The grandpa asksâŚâŚ
âWas it good for you too?
The grandma answersâŚâŚâŚ
âIt could have been except you were on top of me, I didnâ t feel a thing, and I fell asleep just like fifty years ago.â
PS. Yup ya guessed it. An original. Keep the applause down please.
Now this thread is making me sad when I click itâŚâŚ
Ok ok Iâll stop! :laughing:
well, if we are âpickingâ on postersâŚâŚ
Boazâs new binoculars are so powerful
that anything less than a mile away
looks like itâs behind you.
Was listening to Rodney Dangerfield yesterday while I mowed the lawn:
âMy wife is the worst cook in the world. At my house, we pray after we eat.â
when we went to Ireland, we murdered our way along.
we went down to Kilmary and back to Kilpatrick.
then we went to Kilkenny and stopped until
we decided to go to Kilmore.
Ahhhhh, The Irish.
Jeff Bezos was climbing up the stairs to get into his rocket.
He suddenly stopped, turned around, and yelled to the launch assistant belowâŚâŚ
âI REALLY gotta take a !@#$ leak!!!â
âSorry Mr Bezos but itâs too late! We canât stop the launch cycle now! Youâll just have to go in your containment underwear! So sorry sir.â
âCRAP!!! Bezos retorted and proceeded to climb the stairs.
As the rocket made its ascent the cabin pressurization unfortunately caused his by now bloated containment underwear to violently burst.
Upon landing to the cheers of the crowd, Bezos had a sh*t eatinâ grin on his face.
Geography Teacher: Where is Milwaukee?
Student: First in the NL Central.
A middle-aged guy walks into a steamy public bath and is shocked to see the bubbly spaâs jammed full with only naked beautiful young women. Being natively shy since a boy he stood there at the edge fully clothed.
âDonât be shy you can feel at ease! We all share something in commonâ, said one of the gorgeous young patrons with an alluring smile and wink. The other 14 stunning gals giggled nodding in agreement.
âYou have to understand I wasnât expecting THIS, ya know with just you gals here! Iâ m in my mid forties!â
Being that he was the only male surrounded by such young beautiful naked women he thought,
âHow many more unbelievable opportunities like this will come in my fading lifetime? How many more? None! Thatâs how many. None! Just do itâ. And with that inner once-in-a lifetime convincement, he confidently disrobed proudly displaying his ample manhood, gingerly tip-toeing into the pool.
All the girls clapped, laughing, giggling, saying things like, âWhat a stud!â, âAtta boy!â, âYouâre a hunk!â, âOooooo la laâ, âYeaaaah baby!â
By now all shyness was completely gone. His confidence rock solid with it involuntarily beginning to show underwater.
Then he blurts out to break whatever initial tension was left within himself even furtherâŚâŚ
âSo what is that ONE thing in common we share besides Iâm a MAN surrounded by such beautiful women in a public bath!â he said with a hearty joyous laugh.
One of them answers,
âWeâre transvestites.â
PS. Ya know itâs REALLY REALLY hard to come up with a good original joke. How do I know? Iâve yet to come up with one.