The Daily Joke Thread

“Thankfully, it’s not an original joke. :laughing:

:stuck_out_tongue:

Your original jokes are way better than mine!

Haha I haven’t heard that one in years. I always said Henry Fitzinpatrick

Did you hear they found the remains of a homosexual dinosaur? Megasoreass

Mary said marrying for money is the last thing she would do.
she married a millionaire and hasn’t done anything since.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly. Sorry about that.” says the barman, as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just, we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more. But takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays up, bids the barman a good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous!” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

“Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus.” says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right.” replies the barman.

"The circus??” the duck asks again "...with, the big tent?”

"Yeah.” the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.

"Of course.” the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right.” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says… "What the hell would they want with a plasterer ?!?!”

Two drunks are daring each other to do tough macho things.

One challenged the other: “I bet you dare not claim up the beam of my flashlight here!”

The other immediately responded: “Don’t be ridiculous. I know what is in your dirty mind: Once I climb up the beam, you will just switch off the light and let me fall!!” No deal!!!

A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says “what’ll it be?” The duck says, “do you have any duck food?” The bartender is a little annoyed and replies, “this is a bar, duck. Of course I don’t have any duck food! If you aren’t going to buy a drink, get the h*ll out of here!”

The next night the duck walks into the bar and again, he walks up to the bar and asks for some duck food. The bartender is really angry now. “listen, I told you I don’t have any damned duck food. If you ask me one more time I’m going to pick you up and nail your feet to the bar!”

The duck walks out. The next night he walks into the bar again. The bartender practically yells this time, “What do you want?!!!” The duck says, “Do you have any nails?” The bartender is taken aback… “Uhh, no I don’t have any nails…”. The duck says, “Great. Do you have any duck food?”

Lightbringer and Boaz are walking a downtown street at 2:00 in the morning. The bars just closed. Each is holding a mightily lit up 2000 lumen+ flashlight in both hands. One of the flashes is on strobe.

The entire street looks like a car dealer parking lot sale search light event. People walking about aghast at the commotion.

A cop drives by and sees these two staggering around wavering and flashing things all over the place. They’re knocking over trashcans, walking into trees, staggering into parked cars. It’s a scene.

“HEY you TWO!!! Are you DRUNK!!!.”, the officer blurts out over the cruiser’s loudspeaker.

“No officer, we’re NOT drunk”, replies Lightbringer gathering himself for a moment.

“LIKE HELL YOU”RE NOT!!! PUBLIC drunkenness is against the LAW in this town!!! I’m about ready to HAUL BOTH OF YOU IN for disturbing the peace for starters!!!”

“Ok, ok, so I’ve had a FEW, officer. Ya see, I’m grieving me and the three girlfriends breaking up so I guess I have an excuse”, says Lightbringer trying to maintain composure.

“YEAH OK sure, three girlfriends. But what about your friend THERE!!! What’s HIS excuse? HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S TOTALLY $#!* SMASHED OUT OF HIS$@*! MIND COMPARED TO YOU!!!”

Mean while all this is happening, Boaz is staggering around oblivious there’s a cruiser with a loudspeaker and lightbar.

To onlookers, Boaz must be having severe epileptic spasms. He even starts to pee himself as evidenced by his pants and trail of puddles. Jerkingly waiving his arms, following his beams and strobing up into the sky, he stumbles about with a big maniacal grin on his contorting face.

Lightbringer replies……

“Oh, he’s NOT drunk, officer. Not at all. In fact he’s a devout teetotaler. Doesn’t touch alcohol whatsoever. He just gets like this whenever new flashlights are delivered.”

I don’t get it.

Apparently, Boaz acts very strangely when he gets a new flashlight.

But why’s he Amish all of a sudden? They’re not allowed to have flashlights.

He’s one of them rogue Amish. Besides, you encourage him.

Ok i’ll delete the Amish. What about a UFOologist instead. Ok no good either. How about, ahhhhh forget it.

Not to diffuse the subject butt yeah yer onto something. Or on something, IDK. :laughing: :+1:

Nah sure ya get it. It’s called an original sh*tty joke. :open_mouth: :laughing: :beer:

Did ya hear about the gal who hated flies?

Until she opened one.

two school jokes.

Teacher: can you spell correctly?
Student: yes. i wish all words were that easy to spell.

Teacher: i have went. that’s wrong, isn’t it?
Student: yeah.
Teacher: why is it wrong?
Student: ’cause you ain’t went yet.

Amish do have and use flashlights.
They also have LED headlights on their buggies.

A machinist calls his wife in the middle of the day, “Honey, I had an accident at work and I’m at the hospital.”

His wife says, “Oh my God, what happened?”

The guy says, “I got my hand stuck in the grinder and I lost my finger.”

She gasps, “The whole finger??!”

He says “no the one next to it”

:slight_smile: