The Daily Joke Thread

Off-topic Chatter
1993

The Darwin awards - You can’t make this stuff up…

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked……

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer…$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, “FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F* UP!” For a moment, everyone was silent. Then it started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he’d been about to draw his gun. He couldn’t have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, “Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a F*-up!”

8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder-block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder-block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder-block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

1994

questions:

1. what if UFO’s are just billionaires from other planets?
2. did you know you can get drunk on water as you can on land?
3. cna yuo raed tihs? azanmig, huh?

1995

There are two ways of arguing with a woman.
.
.
Neither one works.

1996

Did you hear about the chef who invented a new dish? He combined alphabet soup and a laxative.
.
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It’s called, “Letter Rip.”

1997

Do you know why you often hear birds singing in the morning?
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It’s because they don’t have to go to work!

1998

A guy wanted to save some money to buy a pound of marijuana. So he went to the bank and asked to open a joint account.

1999

Post #2000!

(at the moment.)

2000

“I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”

2001

This… I like. :beer:

2002

I'm a news junkie, and for at least a week, the news in America has been all about 9/11, which is understandable.

I thought of this joke today...

I wonder how many Middle-Easterners have been treated poorly since 9/11/2001.

Thanks, Osama.

(Of course it's not completely Osama Bin Laden's fault, but it's just a joke.)

2003

An old-time author, whose name I can’t remember, had a character in one of his books named Lispin’ Sam. He was a ne’er do well, but one day he saved a child from drowning. The town was grateful and wanted to have a celebration in his honor. It embarrassed Sam, and he told them; “Aw, don’t make tho much of it…it’s the firtht decent thing I done thinth I robbed a lawyer!”

2004

xevious…it is an old Mitch Hedberg joke.

here is another:
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.

lots more:

2005

Mitch Hedberg was a strange guy. REALLy strange. I wonder if his style of comedy would’ve survived if he lived on… I still wonder at times if Steven Wright still tries to start his house with the car keys. :wink:

Today I had some fun modifying an old Dr. Seuss book cover…

2006

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat……and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .

“Grandma,” he asked, “Tis me 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?”

Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled blue eyes and said, “Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!”.

2007

^ :laughing: :smiley: :laughing: :smiley:

2008

2009

When I was very young I thought I had a Japanese friend...... But it was just my imagine Asian.

On the top of Mt. Fuji, a Japanese asked the local wise man: "Master Akira, why do western men think that we Japanese all look alike?"

" I am not Master Akira."

2010

in my research of Baubo/Iambe jokes, i have found none.
lots references to the jokes, but not one actual joke.
if you know of one, please post it.

2011

I don't know about Lamb jokes . But I do know a few lame ones ....

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell,
then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.

He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing?

This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass.........

It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
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A Rabbi ,a priest and a minister decide to go out into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. A few days later, the the priest and the minister bump into each other at the hospital, where each person is being treated for their particular injuries. They then tell each other about their experience.

The priest has a few minor bruises and injuries, and he starts by saying, "I did it! So I found a bear and started reading to it from the Catechism. However, he didn't seem to want to hear, and started attacking me. I sprinkled some holy water on him, and all of a sudden, he was there, tame as a lamb. We spent the rest of the afternoon reading from the bible."

The minister's injuries are a bit worse, with a sling on his arm and many scratches on his body. "I too succeeded in converting the bear. I read to him from the Holy Bible, but he didn't seem to want to hear it. He began fighting and wrestling me, and I managed to dunk his head in the river and baptize him, and he became tame as a lamb. We spent the rest of the afternoon praising Jesus."

As both of them were about to leave, they spot a gurney being wheeled to the emergency room. On it is the rabbi, who was in very bad shape. He had multiple broken bones, bite marks all over his body, and many nasty scratches. He then recognizes his friends and tells them, "Maybe I shouldn't have started with circumcision."
2012

Two sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.

“Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!,” said the first herder

“What about the sheep?”, said the second herder

“Screw the sheep!” the first herder replied

“Do you think we have time??”